As my world stabilizes. As I look forward, instead of back As I feel the earth rooting me, it is exactly as the grief people said it will be. “Many young children hold onto their grief until the surviving parent is able to cope. And then….”…..hell breaks loose. I see them, beyond me. They have changed from “one more thing to deal with” to “how…
Widowed Parenting
pocket dialing
happy 10-week birthday. monday was the day that my perfect baby transformed into little miss fuss. she cried almost the entire day.the only thing that stopped the crying was to hold her. she’s got so much of her mom in her. liz’s parents used to tell this story about liz as a kid, sitting on a swing (more than capable of propelling…
Instinct
Last week one of my children experienced a tragedy. This child called me within minutes of the experience. I listened to him, stunned at what had happened and not believing what he had gone through. My very first thought, my first instinct …. was that I had to call Jim.Seriously. In fact …. I thought that more than one time during the phone…
Then and Now
I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I’ve come. It’s been over a year since I’ve looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive…
no tears
while friend johnny utah was out for a run (obviously he is crazy), maddie and I started walking toward the playground. saw a mom, a dad.each one holding an arm counting to three swinging their daughter, daughter laughing hysterically. how does a single father bring that kind of joy? i could try it with one arm, but that would look terrible to…
The Numbers Keep Growing
What’s that old joke? This must be Heaven, people are just dying to get in here…. People aren’t dying to get into our club, but membership requires that sacrifice of a loved one. Before I found Michele, and all of the rest of my widowed friends, I thought it was just me. Only I had lost my husband young. Only I was left to care for a child alone.
who she was
taken at the broback wedding.two weeks(including a trip to greece)after ours.i think i havea new favoritephoto of liz.i talked to the male brobackabout thisand we’re sure she’s waving to someonewho was a complete stranger to herjust hours earlier.everyone washer best friend.i can’t get enough ofthat shot.this is trulywho she was.
A Toast
A peace settled around me this morning that muffled the noise of the day and left me smiling (except when I was trying to get the two kids out the door to pick up the third kid, so we could get the oldest kid to his concert on time) Photo above. “It is all good.” I kept thinking…and feeling. “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.”15 years…
our house
as i walked up the hill today, i stared at our house… liz fucking loved this place. fell in love with it the second she saw it.it’s hard to look at, knowing that she can’t enjoy it with us. we got to our stairs and i didn’t want to go inside. for some reason i just couldn’t do it. i pulled madeline from her stroller and took a few…
I’ve Got The Memories
From a song from the movie, Prince Caspian. I have heard it many times before.Tonight I HEARD it.i’ve got the memoriesalways inside of mebut i can’t go backback to how it wasi will leave nowi’ve come too farno I can’t go backback to how it wasooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooi’m moving forwardso every day startswith a magic sparki’ve got my hopes…
a new year
31st.last day of the year.i wonder how it’s gonna feel, leaving this one behind?probably not as goodas i hoped.heading out for the dayit was cold.really cold.and for the firsttime in a long time i hadto take offliz’srings so i couldwear some gloves.i put themin my camera bag,imagining what iwould do ifi forgot the bag somewhere. our new…
this day
As you wake this Christmas morning, you may feel alone lying in your bed. You may feel far from your beloved that you’ve lost. You may cry and feel sorry for yourself. You may watch your children open their presents as tears roll down your cheeks. But know that we are not alone.We are all facing this together. Your loved ones are with you, if in…