I have always looked for Joy. I search for it everywhere I go. Seeking Joy is like a treasure hunt; except, in this case, I don’t have a map. Honestly, I don’t mind the lack of navigational tools because I have grown used to hurling myself into the unknown since he died. With practice, I have become accustom to feeling lost. Now, I am…
Widowed Emotions
Sleepless Nights
I don’t have them very often, but last night was a pretty sleepless night. My mind was going. I couldn’t seem to quiet it. Usually I can put on a podcast and be out in ten minutes… but every now and then I find myself listening to an entire podcast, and then another, barely managing to doze off at all… Even though nowadays, my sleep is…
My Husband Died and All I Got Was This Lousy Book
In July of 2011, my husband died, and I died too. Well, that version of me died. About an hour after his death, after I had made the phone calls to immediate family and a few close friends – from a random bathroom inside the ER part of the hospital, sitting on the toilet after having just thrown up from shock – I sent my first Facebook status…
In a Frozen World
My fiance died in 2012. In the spring of 2014, I began creating a photographic series about my grief, called “Still, Life”… sharing weekly self portraits that captured my pain, hope, confusion, anger and everything else that comes along with grief. I worked on this series for about a year, creating 40 haunting, hopeful, honest images… with each…
The Fact of the Matter
The fact of the matter is, I’m a 37 year old widower. By most standards, it’s quite unique. I wasn’t married to someone in a high-risk career. Megan wasn’t in her seventies, hell, she barely made it into her thirties. Statistically, I’m much more likely to be divorced than widowed at my age. The fact of the matter is,…
The Colors of Love
I was talking with a friend the other day about new love after being widowed and it got me reflecting on the idea. I ended up describing to her how my fiance and my now boyfriend are like two different colors of love. I really liked this idea the more I thought about it… There is no color in the spectrum that is better or worse, more or less,…
Home & The Heart
I’ve written about it quite a few times these past few years, but moving across the country really did a number on me. I don’t think – scratch that – I KNOW I was in no way prepared for how difficult it would be to leave Texas. I have a love affair with my state that runs very deep. I have gone through some of the hardest but most meaningful…
New Directions Fueled by the Past
Today an exciting milestone has happened for me. One that runs deep, and is stitched with so many remnants of a past life and of every day since that I’ve fought for. Today I was accepted to be a contributor for a major photography agency that works in the book publishing industry. They work with publishing houses all over the world to help them…
Malbec
Since you died I feel like I am masquerading in someone else’s life. The likelihood of outliving you was always in the back of my mind, but it wasn’t something that I prepared for because I naively thought we had “the rest of our lives” ahead of us. I honestly thought that we had at least twenty more years together. And, because I blindly…
Coffee with Missing Pieces
There I was, at a coffee shop downtown last Wednesday afternoon. I was sitting beside a large window enjoying the rain tapping against the glass as I did some work on my computer, when suddenly my awareness was completely shifted. In that instant, I felt a deep, emptiness that was both piercing and aching at the same time. A screaming hollowness…
Why I Smile
I often get told, “you’re always smiling” or “you smile a lot.” It’s meant in a positive way of course but I can’t help but reflect on it. A year ago, I might have felt guilty for being told I’m smiling. I had questioned whether I was allowed to feel happy after such a loss and if I was happy, just how happy I was allowed to be. I…
Strong on Your Love
I am tired of trying to be – ‘not sad’. I am exhausted from the aching in my heart. I am weary from recognizing Joy everywhere, All around me, And, still feeling hollow inside, I am aware of all the good in my life, My heart is grateful for what I have. So, I ask myself again and again, Why isn’t it enough? Why isn’t my life enough – without…