It’s time I dive into a topic that is always at the heart of gay men dating – HIV/AIDS. Growing up I watched as the disease came forth, took lives and drove the world to treat the LGBTQ+ community worse than ever. There was fear of being accused and harmed and there was (and still is) fear of contracting the disease. From my biology background,…
Widowed by Illness
Roads, Places, and Memories~
70. 20. 10. 65. 85. 60. 1. East to west to north to south and back again. The Oregon coast. The road to the Keys. New England. The Southwest. Deep South. Roads and directions and places and, most of all…memories.We…you and I…were everywhere together. I travel to as many places, the same roads as we did. I don’t go to places though. I don’t go…
Movies in my Life~
It seems that my imagination…what goes on in my mind to help me manage this life…has ramped up. Almost any situation I encounter has a counterpart from various movies I’ve watched over the years. The big picture of all of this is me in the middle of a romantic comedy. I’ve always loved watching romcoms. Chuck used to watch them with me.Within…
The Sacred Now~
I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him. I hoped that we’d have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn’t have much longer on this earth. Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I’m in those last days again. Fucking cancer.What I knew was that I needed to say my…
Whispers~
Whispers of you echo through my years. Echoes now, even more than memories. The passing of Time has dulled the pain, But it has also sullied my memory.There are times that I wonder… Did you exist? Did you wrap your arms around me? Did I lay my head on your chest? Did our life exist? God, I don’t know sometimes, And that causes almost a panic in…
‘Til Always~
Chuck’s death did not break me. I am not broken. My heart shattered when he died. It is shattered still. I feel dislocated. Oftentimes disoriented. Dispossessed. Displaced. Trying to find my footing each day without him. Yes, even six years later. But not broken. I don’t need fixing. I never did. I fully recognize the people who shine a light for…
Semiversary
I wish I could have sat down to write this morning and repeated my often-stated sentiment that I don’t have anything to write about…and that’s OK. I had hoped that today, of all days, is something that doesn’t affect me as much any more, because “time” and all. Even if I thought about Megan more today, it wouldn’t throw my day off…
My Final Self-Reflection
I have really enjoyed contributing to this blog, but now it is time to move on and giver others a chance to share. I thought over time I would find other widows and widowers to connect with, but it hasn’t really happened. However, as I reflect over my life, it makes sense because my life experience has always been outside the norm—I…
What Was. What Is~
Your death stripped me down to bone and marrow. It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground A sharp bladed axe, Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground. Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.It took effort and…
Broken Dreams
I don’t often dream. Not the metaphorical “dream” or anything like that, just regular old dreams when I’m sleeping. They just don’t happen. Even when they do, they seemingly are just five seconds of me sitting in my living room or something. There isn’t anything crazy happening or odd traits like being able to fly. It’s plainly…
A Breath Away~
You are so far away now. 6 years away. A lifetime away. A moment away. But a moment that is memory rather than feeling. Remembrance.I stare at your picture, At pictures of you and I together, And I look at all the pictures of the years since you left, I almost wonder… Which ones are real? You and I, passionate together, Or me, alone, passionate…
On the Bright Side
For some reason, I always feel that this blog should be sad and grief-driven. But, today I just feel AMAZING! It would have been our 10th anniversary last week, and yes, it was hard, I mean really hard. However, it wasn’t nearly as hard as in the past. Partly why I feel so good is that I used my heavy bag for 30…