He died on a Tuesday. I can still remember screaming those animal sounds into the phone, tones I’d never heard come out of myself. Deep, guttural defiances… yelled at his dad on the other end of the line – every cell of me rejecting the words from his broken voice, “No baby, he’s not okay…” The room is spinning. I remember flashes only. I…
Widowed and Healing
Infusion
Oh, it’s back. Some of my previous silliness, joy and ease is back. Sleeping and I are friends again, but it’s a tentative relationship. We’re afraid to like each other too much, lest we get too attached. But it’s working for now. And for that I am so grateful I want to throw a party. I’m eating TOO well, and I’m exercising and working more without…
Goodbye for now
Two writers stepping down in one week?!? First it was Melinda. Now, it’s my turn. This is very bittersweet for me. I am so incredibly thankful for the platform that Michele has given me to open up my heart and share my journey. I have learned so much just from watching my life unfold in my own words and processing through it, as well as reading…
“And Then..” Part 2
Well friends… my time has come. I am retiring from widow’s voice. Today is my last blog. I’ve been thinking about quitting for a couple of months now. I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to quit something that has always brought me such relief and peace. While talking to a friend about not writing anymore, he said “The…
(not so) Ordinary Life
And so the countdown begins… In 56 hours or less (not that I’m counting or anything), I will be holding a new little life in my arms. One small person I helped create. One tiny little reminder of what life is really all about. My sweet little baby boy has no idea what his life represents already in this world. In a place that can be so cold,…
Running Away ……
…… or moving forward? I could use the trite saying, “You be the judge”, but I don’t really care to hear any judgements. Go figure. I’m back in NY. The place where, at this point in my life, I love to be. The place where, at this point in my life, I feel happy. The place where, at this point in my life, I feel at home.This will be the first…
Ready. For now.
After hitting the 3 year mark on Saturday, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Grief never really leaves, but I think the experience alone in a new place, along with the fear that I might have the baby before I got to properly grieve and get through the week left me scared and hurting in new and different ways. But, like…
Time Flies….(Guest Blog – Michelle Dippel-Dahlberg)
It’s that time of year again. I’ve marched towards today for the past month and a half. Grumpy one day, fine the next – I think most of my family has felt the uncertainty of my moods but they have hung in there. This year was different for a couple of reasons – one, I forgot the day the march starts. Let me clarify that though, my conscious…
Faith
When he died, my faith died. Faith in a god, life, living… There was only one thing I wanted to believe, that he’d come back home. When that didn’t come to fruition, it was believing that life would end shortly thereafter. It didn’t. Nothing changed. It wouldn’t change until I started believing.Believing that I could survive. That I should…
Load
It was one day after the one year mark of losing him. I was on a plane to Spain. One backpack in tow. Two sets of clothes. Euros. Some photos. My feet. 225 miles to hike on unknown terrain that had no map, but seashells in the ground as markers or random arrows painted on tree trunks. But before that flight and the pilgrimage, came the…
Drifting Back to NYC
…… and the relief I felt as soon as I sat down in my seat on the plane yesterday morning was amazing. It was like I had been carrying 500 pounds on my shoulders (causing a lot of pain in my neck!). As soon as I dropped into that seat, all of that weight lifted. In fact, I was so relaxed that I slept through most of the flight …… which…
The Game of What If
In just a couple weeks, I’m coming up on 3 years. That realization along with the hormones of pregnancy has really been a lethal – and emotional – combination. I found this old post from my blog that jumped out at me as something I’ve been thinking about lately and thought I would share. Maybe someone, somewhere out there might connect with this…