Friday was a mixed day.Great result on one of my subjects.Speeding fine in the mail. My first EVER!! Not a happy camper. On the up-side, many friends & acquaintances seem to go more than I did above the limit – my fine is about half theirs.Ian used to speed all the time. At the time he got sick, Ian had one demerit point left before…
Widowed and Healing
Getting My Feet Wet
I’m struggling tonight. A mix of emotions are coursing through my veins… as is always the case with anything new on this journey. Why does every single new thing have to pull at my gut with uneasiness for the fact that he is not here? *sigh*Today my Crossfit class had a water workout at the lake. Swimming, kayaking, lots of hard work and fun.
Sunrise
So, last week, you may have noticed that my post was strangely invisible in here. Yeah. That is because I totally forgot to write one. I realized this fact somewhere around the time when my name was being called out loud by my friend and Soaring Spirits board member Janine. We were in San Diego. At Camp Widow West. At the Saturday night formal…
Seeds of Change
Growing up in Virginia my parents always had a lovely garden. They still do, actually. Every year they compost and dig and plant and in the summers appear beautiful tomatoes, beans, eggplants, lettuce and lots of other things. I wasn’t much into digging in the dirt when I was a kid though, so when I moved into my first house with Mike in Los…
Fear Armor
My guy is currently on his way to learn to paraglide. I couldn’t go with him because of a prior engagement so I’m waiting to hear that he is back on the ground. I know he’s more likely to die in a car crash than on this contraption in the air today, but many things could go wrong. Most likely they won’t, but they could. I’ll be anxious, but only in…
What is a Partner?
As an artist, I believe that every piece I create is coming through me from some other source and meant for one person out there. I’ve come to believe this because of it happening to me with many of my photographs and written pieces. Someone will come forward to share how important my image was to them, and how perfectly it aligned with something…
Battle On
I have to thank everyone for all the incredible responses to my post last week. You warmed my heart and really helped me to feel a bit more okay with all of this mess – and a bit less alone. Trying to welcome a new life is SO not easy, but its a heck of a lot easier with friends like all of you. You encourage me to be honest with where I am at on…
So, What Do You Do?
I hate that question. But it’s always going to be there, isn’t it? When you meet people, it’s one of the standard getting-to-know-you questions and you just can’t avoid it. I guess if I had a “normal” career it would be easy to sidestep the “I’m widowed” answer, which I’ll admit, I used a lot in the beginning after Mike died. I didn’t really…
What I Learned from a Visionary
I’ll be very blunt here. Christina Rasmussen, the visionary of Second Firsts, continues to help save my sanity by holding out hope. Her story helps me know that I just might get through this devastating grief brought into my soul by my beloved husband’s death. I personally don’t feel hope but I see the life she’s built after her husband’s…
Homeward Run
I’ll keep on the theme Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation has run on their facebook page for International Widows Day – what I’ve achieved since Ian died. Well, working on achieving. One of the big changes I made was to go back to school. I knew my job would end about 12 months after Ian died, and I opted to work towards a change in…
Chop wood. Carry water.
There is a saying in Zen: Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After Mike died I couldn’t function coherently at all for about a week. I couldn’t focus on the basic necessities of cooking, cleaning, errands…even driving. I really could not drive…
The Box
I put a blue sticky note on it so the movers wouldn’t pack it. I carefully carried it to the car, hefting its astonishing weight, and placed it gently in the back seat. Alone for a few moments at the new place, I picked it up again, and carried it close to my body up to the new bedroom and found its new spot where it snugly fits. I closed the door…