Widowed people are scary. Who knew? I’ve noticed it in the past 5 years and it took me a while to figure it out. Our tragedy makes people uncomfortable in a way that is hard to describe unless you’ve experienced it. But it’s true. I think it is more than just not knowing what to say to us, or thinking we might cry suddenly. I think we scare…
Widowed and Healing
The Spot
Phil was on his way to this trail head on the day he died. He left home around five thirty on a summer evening in August, and I got a phone call from a witness of the accident that took his life thirty minutes later. Somehow that trip to get to my husband’s side is burned into my memory in a way that other moments from that time are not.Five years…
I Will …
The “Tired” post now has 35 comments. The last time I got almost that many comments was on April 13, 2009. Three days before Art died. This post read… —– They told me to bring the kids in. They told me to bring the kids in. It’s over and I, I, I just …. I feel nothing.The hardest part about this… No wait, the right now hardest part…
I dream of him
I dreamed of him last night. My dreams aren’t too off from the real world. In them I know he is dead. And yet, in this Inception like reality, I still think maybe there is some way his world and mine can merge, if only for a couple of hours in my sleep. In the dream, there was one moment that stood out more than any other.I was walking beside my…
slowing down.
i think a lot about how madeline helped get me through those first horrible days/weeks/months, and almost three years later, she’s still doing it.i’d be nowhere without her, still stuck in the moment that happened the day after she was born. without consciously doing so, she has convinced me of the need to slow down and enjoy the little…
Tired
I’m tired of being a widow. I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me. I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more. I’m tired of waking up by myself.I’m tired of being solely responsible for: Bringing in all the income Paying all the bills Making sure…
Happy*
My personal growth, as well as dedication to the American Widow Project, has brought me more healing than I could have ever fathomed. I still attend each event hoping to get as much out of it as a widow who RSVPed, and continuously I am not disappointed. This evening though, I received a call that meant so very much to me.I rarely hear or ask what…
moments like this.
it’s not what any of us (including brooke) would have wished for, but moments like this: give me hope. …
Judging Grief
I’ve frequently thought over the past years that I was doing this whole grief thing wrong. Clearly I wasn’t sad enough, skinny enough, or laying in bed enough. I was also not happy enough, not moving forward quickly enough, and not dating anyone yet. Once I wasn’t so wrapped up in the actual grieving that I couldn’t see anything but my own shoes,…
Announcement
***I’d like to take a moment out of my life to make this announcement*** I like being me. I like being the wife and widow of a hero. I like the knowledge that I have the best of family, friends and pets.I like the oddities of my being that I’m still being introduced to. I like being introduced to them. I like sunshine through my blinds when I…
Pretty Panty Problems
There’s an old adage that says that you should make sure that you are always wearing nice underpants in case you end up at the hospital and some health care worker witnesses the terrible state of your undergarments. I remember this and other silly issues causing me concern at one point.I could worry about this still…if I worked at it. But now,…
There is a Time ….
…. for mostly …. everything. Even time for things that at other times …. look very negative. Like Selfishness. There is a time for selfishness …. and I had that time. I needed that time. I needed it in order to survive. Literally.Grieving demands selfishness. At no other time in one’s life must a person think ONLY of her/him self,…