As a young teen, my husband Daniel traveled on Amtrak to St. Louis Missouri with his parents and five siblings. When he spoke of this trip many years later, his fondest memories were of staying up all night in the sleeper car rocking to the rhythmic movements of the train, watching the Texas landscape flash by, playing Gin Rummy as the train…
widowed by cancer
Normal
I have nothing to write. I had a completely relaxing day. I dropped Langston off at school for his game and on the way home I cried so hard I had to pull over.Art’s death is just so fundamentally sad. All that he is missing is just tragic! And yet… I returned later, and watched Langston play flag football. I took my other two to play dates. I…
The Beginning of the March…
This month begins the “death march”. That annual walk down memory lane that takes me from the last family trip we took when he was feeling somewhat healthy, to the 3rd diagnosis, to M.D. Anderson, to a brother’s graduation, to a stressful birthday in the ER, to a series of specialists, to yet another hospital, and finally to a cemetery on a…
Ashes
We’re at the ranch. It’s my cousin’s place. 90 acres horses, sheep, ponds, creeks and ATVs.It’s our second home. It’s the place where we escape our noisy city lives. It’s the place Art wanted to be sprinkled. I left part of him here in May 09, 1 month after his death. I left him in a box. That was placed above my cousin’s book shelf. Today was time…
Better…
Portions of the following post are from about a year and a half ago…at the time I really thought I was better, and all things considered I was. About three years ago I started joking with Michele that I wanted to wear a black t-shirt with word “bitter” printed on it to identify myself as a bitter widow. She refused to let me, more out of fear…
Uncle…
Warning: This post may be unsettling. It was written in June. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want someone calling Child Protection Services, a threat that was made. Please know that I am better. Please know that I continue to fight and function. Please know that I am here. I thought about it today. And yesterday Actually been thinking about…
Escape
I’d like to get on the boat above and sail off into the sunset to a place where I am responsible for nothing and no one needs me. Ever. For anything. Sometimes the pressure of being the “only parent” feels so intense I can hardly bear it. All decisions are made by me, all responsibility is born by me. I have no partner to lean on when I’ve had too…
Ours to Mine
Our wedding rings are no more. His was so huge. My 6’6″ husband had fingers that matched his size.When he died, I removed his ring and put it into the ring box that I kept my diamond in. I don’t remember when I took off my wedding bands. Long enough so that wearing a ring on my “wedding” finger feels odd. I needed something that would represent us,…
Time Flies
Last week was the first week of school. Grayson started the 5th grade and is currently enjoying his “senior” status on the elementary school campus. As usual we had our first day ritual, a leisurely breakfast followed by a whirlwind final check of the backpack and self-conscious wardrobe review to check for “coolness”. Last year we walked to…
Acts Of Faith
Friday, August 27th I put Langston and Pallas on a bus today to attend Camp Erin, a weekend camp for grieving kids. I drive away before the bus does. And on the 10 heading west, in traffic (thankfully) I cry. Putting them on a bus is…an Act of Faith. Faith that they will come back to me. Faith that I will not have to go and identify their crushed…
Fear is powerful
Fear is the voice in your head that tells you things are impossible, the doubts that creep into your mind when you’re up late and the kids are asleep, the voice that tells you that hope is for patsies. Fear is not an emotion that I experience very often. It’s not in my make-up. Call it ignorance, call it bravado, there isn’t much that makes me…
Other People’s Grief
I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow. Tonight I saw it on them. In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief. Other people dealing with the loss of…. my…