I was wearing this t-shirt the other day. It was a “you think your life is bad, I dare you to try mine” day. I was feeling righteous. I was feeling mad. I was feeling “How dare you world go on and leave me here, in this life, struggling today to just do enough. How dare you!”I was willing to take it out on any poor sap who dared comment about death…
widowed by cancer
Waves for the Little Ones
One night last week G and I snuggled up on the couch for a little mid-holiday chaos downtime. We scrolled through the on-demand movie selections and settled on Nanny McPhee Returns. The original movie was really cute so we were looking forward to it.The setting of this movie is WWII England. The story consists of a mom and three kids struggling to…
Happy Different New Year
It happened. I actually made it through a holiday without being bitter. Now let me be clear, it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel sad or have the streaming video of memories run through my brain at different times, but it wasn’t bitter. For the first time in 6 holiday seasons, I didn’t have flashes of envy and moments of evil thoughts towards families and…
Canary In a Coal Mine
I feel like a canary in a coal mine. The sadness being the air that I sometimes think will kill me. Ezra age 1.75 with Ricki (with a dad) Ezra 8.75 with Ricki (without a dad) All week long the sadness has been spillozing out of me: hovering above me like my own personal little dampener, echoing at the end of my laughter, pushing through my…
Wrapped in the Warmth
The holiday season is on me – not upon me, but really ON me – like a rash…I’m totally covered up. 😉 I’m not complaining, it is the fun things that are burying me, too many parties, too many friends, too much love. Clearly you can never have too many friends or too much love. My cup is Niagara Falls.This year is a different one from the previous…
Wonder Woman Returns
On Tuesday night, I went on a second date dressed as Wonder Woman. I know…right?!The back story: We tried to get together and then he was making cracks via email about how busy I am and then he asked if I was out saving the world, or something like that. He made a joke about my invisible airplane. His last comment to me before we met was…
Exhausting Part 1.5
I’m too f’in exhausted to find a decent photo to add This is a repost from January Wow. Almost a year ago. I’m still too exhausted to think. Not sure how I’ll get through tomorrow. But there are three things I do know, that I didn’t know last January1. That I will get through tomorrow. 2. That this is grief. Friday would have been our 16 yr…
The Small Stuff
Recently I reviewed the results of a personality assessment I took at work. It evaluated you on four criteria: dominance, extroversion, patience, and conformity. I’m high in three in and low in one…guess which? 😉 I would have bet I was high in two and low in two, oddly enough I’m not as low on patience as I thought.It would be interesting to…
Value Added
I said good bye to this guy a few days ago. Actually what I said was, “Let’s just call this what it seems to have turned into, a friendship.…”I did it in an email cause I tried to break it off once before over the phone and I moronically then asked him if he wanted a second chance (I KNOW!!! I KNOW…not my finest moment in the newly…
I’m different
It’s been 5 years. In that 5 years I’ve changed in so many ways. I’m still the same old me, but different. Daniel didn’t know this me. The one that survived his loss, the one that has been raising our child by myself. The one that bears the burden of making it all happen, all day, every day.You’d think it would make me more serious, all of this…
Exhaustion
Exhaustion runs through me so thoroughly that I am sure my body now uses it in place of 30% of my blood.I can’t think. Eating feels too strenuous unless I can rip open a bag. And then if I do, what I eat is so tasteless that I end up spitting it out into the garbage. Why bother making the effort to chew that crap. I look haggard, drawn, tight.
The Black Hole
I’m reading a report from a development optometrist Ezra saw last week. It’s a second opinion. I didn’t read the first report. I tried to… but it was too hard. Both reports highlight some of the things Ezra is struggling with in school.It spells out several areas he needs help in, like the need to work with a reading specialist. It tells…