So the 2 year mark has come and passed. In one 24 hour period I am starting on another year in this new world I live in. As the angelversary arrives people always seem to ask how I’m doing (Go figure), then the day arrives and it seems as if it was the build up to the day which was the worse. Then the day comes, and it seems like any other day in a…
military widowed
To Survive…
It feels as though it doesn’t take much to get me tired these days. I could be doing the same tasks I did before, only now, it takes everything out me. I’m exhausted to the core. Emotionally, I’m fine. Physically, I’m spent. I wonder if it’ll always be like this… If it’ll always take quadruple the strength to get through a day and all that it…
The DVD
Checking the mail. A routine that we all have, some everyday, others a couple of times a week. Today was one of the moments that interrupted an action I did for society’s sake. I opened my box to find a package. As soon as I saw who the sender was I knew it was from our wedding. I did not know there was video until after Michael was killed, for…
A Life Altered
Still, I am taken back when someone in David’s life has just learned of his death. How could they not have known??! Shouldn’t anyone who had ever come in contact with him during his life have felt the earth pause the moment he passed away? As if the earth should have been altered if he no longer walked upon it. Dramatic, I know. It’s the best…
Worth a Second Look
I started to write something to honor the men we have lost in recognition of Memorial Day. Then I realized that I couldn’t write anything more poignant or beautiful than what Nicole has already posted. And so I am re-posting her Thursday post with this addition…there are no words of thanks that adequately honor the sacrifices made by the men and…
On My Way……
On my way to North Carolina, to sit next to a widowed fiancée who called our hotline and wanted another widow by her side, I stopped in Atlanta. With all the travels I’ve been doing the past year I have come to terms with the face that I will see numerous amounts of men and women in ACUs. Today was the same. As I stood at the gate my ACU radar…
Shovel Time
I made the choice to go into my office to throw the bundles of trash I have stacked in different places all over the room. One bag had a can of his dip that he left over R&R, bundles of every receipt from when he was here, and the lip gloss I wore when I was able to kiss his lips. I got through many of the boxes which led me to the closet…the…
I can’t stop thinking about David.
Not that I actually try. But today it’s more like he is ALL I’m thinking about. Even when his beauty fills my mind I can’t help but feel partial. Like someone tore off my legs and somehow…I’m still living. I’ve wondered from day one (of widowhood) how long I’d survive this life. “Time” I no longer understand nor try to comprehend. I can…
Help is Better with Self
I believe for me, that a huge part of figuring out one’s grief, one most know themselves. Now I know some could say this goes without saying, but after the loss of your soul mate it’s difficult finding out who this new you is, or in my case, who this new me is. It is has been through meeting others in like situations, reflecting on my own thoughts…
Indifferent
Indifferent: Lack of feeling. Being neither too much nor too little. Neither good nor bad. Neither right nor wrong. Journal entry this week: I wish I was upset, but I’m not. I wish I felt sad, but I don’t. Depressed?…don’t think so. I want to cry, but I can’t. Scream… but I won’t. I feel so out of place. Maybe this is it. I’ve finally snapped.
The Fire
The other night I was excited to be watching a new episode of “Grey’s Anatomy”. As odd as it sounds, I always know something in the show will make me tear up, whether I can relate to it or not. It’s almost like watching “Extreme Home Makeovers”….I always end up crying at the reveal. Well this episode of “Grey’s” was no exception, and I sat on my…
Take My Hand
I had sand all over my feet and the wind in my face. My eyes were closed as I stretched my arms out wide as I could and I balanced against the railing of the life guard tower. I held my palms up as if waiting… expecting David to take them, I almost felt as though he did. I took deep, careful breaths… I wanted David. I caught myself whispering,…