I’m just really tired. I’ve sat and thought of something to write about but it eludes me and my lids become heavier. It’s December, the hardest month of every year since Michael was killed, someone very close to me is ill, I have amazing things going on too, and it piles and piles. I have a damn grain of sand in my shoe of life.I think I just need…
military widowed
Sand
It Took
It took 3 years to do it. 3 years to put up the Christmas tree. The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy. I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.After he died, the season and everything it meant died…
Comfortable
It happened. I’d become comfortable. I’d accepted the fact that I must survive…thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse. Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News…
You Too
Today is just one of those days where I wanted to talk about how grateful I am for my fellow widows. The women that pull me out of a funk, the women that give me hope, the women that know the unspoken words in my heart, the women that know the depth and never-ending length of my love.I’ve tried to make sure and not imagine the “what-ifs” in life,…
Search
“What do I do now?” “Where do I go?” “How do I live?” These are just a few of the many questions so many of us ask after the loss of our counterpart…our soul mate.These questions helped fill my overactive brain from focusing on the reality that I needed to stop living in a nightmare and do it…venture into the wild and find the answers for…
Guide
I’ve always taken my own path. I like the fresh, uncharted dirt beneath my feet, the barren terrain of land not crossed by others. Yes, as Michael would say, I lived in the clouds, a world of my own, but he never tried to change that, and in all honesty, I think it’s one of the things he loved so much about me. It’s the Christopher Columbus in me,…
2 Years Later
I just returned from England and decided to sift through posts I wrote on my first “once-in-a-lifetime” trip after Michael was killed. This poem sums it all up…My life here without him…my presence on this earth…my impact from that which he embedded in my being. The sentiments and feelings are still the same…as well as the love:9.11.08 Wow!!…
Adventure
After Michael was killed my equilibrium for life was off. How things and actions made by me were gauged, I can’t quite say would fall under the category of “adventure”, as my reasoning behind certain decisions was semi-based off the hope that maybe I’d join Michael sooner than later.Selfish? Yes. But at that point the biggest risk, the biggest…
ACL 2010
This weekend I’ll be at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. 8 stages, over a hundred bands, but to me it is so much more. Last October, my best friend (and fellow widow) and I ventured out on the green grass, drinking wine from sports bottles, listening to amazing music, having a grief/stress free time.Of course, since Michael’s death I’ve had…
Once In A Lifetime Trips
It’s that time of year. That time where I’m able to fulfill one of the biggest dreams Michael and I had. To travel across the world.I vowed after he died that I would take a once-in-a-lifetime trip once a year. The first being a 220 plus mile backpacking pilgrimage across Spain. The second was in Ireland. And this year I will be hopping around the…
Say
I found this photo. Simply a picture of a memorial for some strangers lost loved one. Raw. Honest. Candid. Words that can be used to define the words left to commemorate this soul, this being. What would yours say? For Michael’s Bench: “A lover of steak, mechanics, calculus, Star Trek, not using directions, cargo shorts, foreign films. All he…
Push
Active Lifestyle…. I lived one. I ran 5 days a week, did ab workout DVDs, went biking with Michael, and a little more here and there.Now in comparison to Michael, I was sedentary, but he was my motivation to do that which I was active in to begin with. Self care was something he was a huge advocate of, and feeling and looking my best made me feel…