I took part in a 10K race the other week. can’t say that I ran. Technically, I did run…for about ten steps. Then I walked. I couldn’t run because I was overly prepared. I was afraid that I would get thirsty. That I may trip and need a bandaid. That I may require a dab of sunscreen or lip balm aside from the initial application pre-race. That…
Widowed Suddenly
normalcy
week three of my trip around the country talking about that thing I worked on for madeline it’s been a week since i’ve seen my baby.(well a week since i’ve hugged my baby. I saw some photos that her grandma broccoli sent my way of maddy covered (and i mean covered) in temporary tattoos, and some more that the other grandparents have sent my…
My Heart Breaks Just a Little ….
…. every time I see how much our children look like (or act like) Jim. The above picture is of our youngest, Son #3 and his prom date this past weekend. I was not here to witness the event (he’s only a sophomore so it wasn’t THE prom). I was in Alaska, taking care of my brother who had surgery while I was there.This young lady’s mom sent me the…
Last Person Standing
A week ago I showed up for a meeting in a different state, that was planned over a month before, to find that the person who was in charge of the agenda was missing. The reason for her absence was that she just found out her best friend has cancer, and her dear friend’s diagnosis was delivered to her around the first anniversary of the death of her…
Books Revisited
**I’ve been revisiting past blogs. It’s sort of a way to remind myself how far I’ve come and continue to go. Here’s one I wrote May 9, 2009, that I wanted to share. I think we all, in some way or at some point, turn to books, blogs (wink, wink), or other forms of writing for healing** I believe for me, that a huge part of figuring out one’s grief,…
kinship
Nine months after Jeff died, my beloved grandfather joined him in the great fishing grounds in the sky. My grandmother was, understandably bereft. She asked me, “Does it ever begin to feel any better?” In that moment, I was struck by one thing. We were now not only linked by blood and family, but by the kinship of grieving our spouse.Marriage…
another one.
last week in austini met someonewho will die soon. i looked back at her, listening as she shared her life with me, learning that she’d soon be leaving her husband in the position we all find ourselves in. cancer was there, staring me in the face but all i could see was one of the strongest people i had ever met. i cried with her…
A Double Edged Sword ….
…. is something I should be used to by now. I’m not. I am in Alaska this week. This is my second visit. The first time was back in 2007 …. with Jim and the Sons. It was to be our last family vacation. Ever. Jim died 6 months later.My brother lives here and I came to be his “nurse” after he has back surgery today. (I’m not sure why anyone would…
Suffering
“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.” -Franz Kafka I’m at one of our bi-monthly AWP events. Our first night is one of the most interesting. For many of the widows, it is there…
as I remember
When telling a story, Jeff or I would occasionally correct each other’s rendition of the tale. Although I am always as truthful as possible, there were times when either of us would need a reminder of the facts of a past event and it was comforting to know that I could always ask him some small memory that was remembered by both of us. “How long…
what am i doing?
you know what’s not easy? talking about what happened on march 25th, 2008 over and over and over and over again. (you people know this better than anyone).i lived it. i wrote about it and now i’m reading it out loud to crowds of people i wouldn’t know if it hadn’t happened to me, to us, a little more than three years ago. i thought it …
One of THE Most Difficult ….
…. Posts I’ve Ever Written. Something has changed. And I wasn’t even aware of it until 2 days ago. Which is kind of freaking me out, because this change was huge. So huge that it stunned me when I realized it. Literally. And then I wondered how I felt about it. I felt horrible and yet a little relieved at the same time. And I kept this change…