**My apologies for the raw and rude wording of this post. It’s been written in the heat of the moment but I feel it would lessen its ‘feel’ if I softened the wording. I hope no one is offended** There are times I hate him for dying. Two and a half years later and I could spit fury at his lack of care for his health, for his concern for our…
Widowed Emotions
a list.
otherwise perfect, this moment became something wholly unexpected when the words drifted from her lips. well, i shouldn’t say that it was wholly unexpected, but the timing most certainly was.the question brought me back in a way that usually only my memory can. “remember what we talked about that one time?” that’s what changed the moment. and…
There Will Always Be ….
…. set backs. I know that’s a given. Life is full of set backs. Everyone’s life, not just mine. Or yours. So why is it then, that when I am hit with one of them …. I’m surprised?Last week was a set back. One huge, hairy set back. It started the moment I arrived home from a trip and continued on through Sunday (and is even bleeding a little…
I Didn’t Cry
When I first was able to entertain the thought of marrying again, I was certain that I would fall to pieces when asked to utter the phrase, “till death do us part.” Those four words mean something completely different now that I know what parting actually feels like. In fact, I often teared up when discussing my fear of this phrase with…
Normal
I have nothing to write. I had a completely relaxing day. I dropped Langston off at school for his game and on the way home I cried so hard I had to pull over.Art’s death is just so fundamentally sad. All that he is missing is just tragic! And yet… I returned later, and watched Langston play flag football. I took my other two to play dates. I…
Once In A Lifetime Trips
It’s that time of year. That time where I’m able to fulfill one of the biggest dreams Michael and I had. To travel across the world.I vowed after he died that I would take a once-in-a-lifetime trip once a year. The first being a 220 plus mile backpacking pilgrimage across Spain. The second was in Ireland. And this year I will be hopping around the…
And So It Goes ….. and goes and goes and goes
This thing called grief. I just got back from a fantastic trip to Germany. I was with a group of 46 other people and we toured around for nearly 2 weeks. It was my first trip “alone”. I’ve gone on trips with the kids or with friends, but I went by myself on this one. I stayed by myself in all of the hotels.Most of the other 46 people were…
Waiting
This is the part no one tells you about. This is the part that many do not know. When your spouse dies, you are left with a void, a big void. Your mind constantly reminds you that he is gone, and that what lies before you is an existence that must begin without him. The only problem is, how do you do this? And, what exactly is this new existence…
senseless socks
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on this journey of widowhood is that grief is not logical. It makes no sense. It’s arrogant and naive to believe that we think we know how we would react in any stressful or painful situation. Segments of our lives, portions of our morals and many of our ideals become frayed and scattered. When we begin to…
nothing.
i don’t throw things away. the meaningful, the meaningless, everything is somewhere. in my house. in my garage.tucked away in places i don’t remember, to be found at times i don’t expect to find them. i found a memory a few weeks ago. it was nothing, really. just something i held on to just in case… i can’t believe i kept it in the first place,…
The Things I/We Didn’t Need to Hear ….
(this was originally posted on Feb. 16, 2008, almost 2 months after Jim’s death. It was in response to many of my blog readers asking me what to “not say” to a grieving person”. This is the 2nd time I have posted it on WV, but I think we need to remind people ….. every once in a while). OK, buckle your seat belts. And please, please, please…
Ashes
We’re at the ranch. It’s my cousin’s place. 90 acres horses, sheep, ponds, creeks and ATVs.It’s our second home. It’s the place where we escape our noisy city lives. It’s the place Art wanted to be sprinkled. I left part of him here in May 09, 1 month after his death. I left him in a box. That was placed above my cousin’s book shelf. Today was time…