Driving to the supermarket last week I had the overwhelming feeling that this baby is very much an addition to our family. To Ian and I’s family. Although in no way is the baby a replacement for Ian, as the pregnancy progresses it feels like Ian is less distant now. There is a feeling of completeness, not end, not ‘over it’, but very much…
Multiple Losses
The Grim Reaper Repercussions
This past week or so I have been feeling very melancholy. This grief thing is a very difficult business. Will we ever get the hang of it? Will it forever be a process we can never escape? Will we always be struggling to slog our way through? The ever-changing game of it all is simply, some days, exhausting. I often feel as if death will be…
To Everything, There is a Season
Spring has sprung in Northern England, and everywhere life is blooming. Magnolia trees burst with pink and white flowers, their sweet scent wafting along with the evening winds. Baby lambs, their legs still wobbly, hover near their mothers’ stomachs, with tender young faces that seem to be smiling. Birdsong fills the air, the cacophony so loud at…
What’s in a Name…MKII
One of the things I really struggled with in early pregnancy was the idea of having a second boy. I really, really wanted a girl. Not because I outright didn’t want a boy, but because I had absolutely NO idea on a name. Ian and I had a girls name – Claire – agreed from our pregnancy with John, so I wanted a girl so I didn’t have to worry about…
Climbing Off the Wheel
“Walk around feeling like a leaf. Know you could tumble at any second. Then decide what to do with your time.” From “The Art of Disappearing” by Naomi Shihab Nye In my Buddhist study group, this week, we are reflecting on the fact of impermanence, specifically, these things: we are all going to die, and none of us knows when that will happen.
Making Room
I’ve posted in the last couple of months about going through Ian’s things and starting to move stuff onto new homes that can go to new homes, or tossing stuff that can’t be moved on. That’s because there was one thing I couldn’t discard after he died…Our seven frozen embryos, left from our IVF cycles to have John. As part of the IVF process,…
Living Perpetually in Fear
I have built my entire life around the fear of loss. I’ve had a string of losses, in my adult life, perhaps more than most. Each loss dug deeper wounds into my heart. Each loss wove more fear into the sorrow I felt. Each loss added layers of protection to my spirit. I came to England in a flight from grief, after the loss of my sister and my…
Hurricane Grief
Last weekend a friend who is dear to me and was dear to Mike since nearly the day we moved to Kona in 2001 had a terrible asthma attack. This young man was 11 when we met him. He is now 25, so we have seen him grow up into a young adult. He and his mom were devoted students of Mike’s for many years in martial arts, and since his father was not…
Consolidating
Before my mum and step-dad passed in 2008, they would often have discussions about the stuff in their farmhouse and outbuildings.My mum would always say “we need to consolidate”, to which my step-dad would reply “you mean throw out”. Yep, that’s exactly what she meant. But he just couldn’t do it, so it never happened and it was left to my…
Layers of Loss
I awakened this morning, on the last day of 2014, with the images of my sister and mother on my heart. They died 6 and 7 years ago, respectively, during the holiday season, and I realised I had done nothing, this year, to mark their lives and deaths—not a picture or a mention, anywhere. I have been so consumed with the loss of my beloved that…
Loss
I was stuck for ideas the other day in art class and the teacher was trying to help me brainstorm. Make it autobiographical, he said, in his cheery 20-something voice, about the movie poster I was assigned to create.Autobiographical? I thought. Huh. Yeah. I began to sort through my life events. Lost my mom (and my dad, too, if we’re talking…
Saying Goodbye.. Again
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my dog being diagnosed with cancer (I wrote about it here) Tuesday, the day after my birthday I had to kill put my best friend to sleep. I am in shock. I am devastated. Three weeks after his diagnoses he went from being fine to not eating and his eyes rolling back in his head. Nine years and one day after my…