I have been wondering lately if being happy limits the freedom I feel to still mourn Phil’s death. I have the feeling that “others” expect that my current happiness will cancel out the residual sadness that still exists in my heart over the loss of a man I loved so much. Yes, I realize this is MY issue. The thing is, I am happy. And yet, I am also…
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Losing Me
I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When…
Other People’s Grief
I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow. Tonight I saw it on them. In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief. Other people dealing with the loss of…. my…
are you there grief? it’s me, jackie
Now and then, I sit down before the computer on the night before my post is due for Widow’s Voice and stare blankly at the screen. Mentally, I examine my current thoughts, my day’s mullings, recent happenings. I gleen for any unprobed areas of the loss of Jeff…..and find none. It’s not often that this happens. But occasionally, there is quiet. An…
found
a few days ago she found them. they’d been sitting in plain view since before her mom died.well, not exactly in plain view… they were covered by a couple of books, but i could see them from where i sat every day, working on our taj. it helped that i knew they were there, otherwise i probably would have looked past them as well. but at two…
Would I Be a Better Spouse ….
…. the second time around? After pondering this a bit …. I have to be honest. And say yes. Don’t get me wrong …. I don’t think I was a bad wife. Not at all.Jim and I had a fantastic relationship. We loved each other more with each year that passed. I knew that we had a better marriage …. or at least seemed happier …. than many people I…
Self-Care
In one of the last emails Daniel sent to me before he died, he asked me to please make sure that while I was trying to take care of him and take care of Grayson too, that I also take care of myself. He made the statement that I was the last line of defense for our family and that for all of our sakes I needed to be well-cared for and strong. At the…
One Size Fits All?
The relationships that I have formed with other widowed people are by far the quickest bonding experiences of my life. Somehow the kinship of loss has regularly transcended the other differences that are often obvious between me and a new widowed friend. Before Phil died there were a variety of things that might influence how long I spent getting…
Before or After?
Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet? Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after? Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature? Was I friends with her before or after Art died? Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after? This is the new question I’ve been asking lately. And…
Create your own rules
Being a widow is no easy thing. From picking up the pieces , staring at them like they’re some foreign thing, and trying to create something semi-comprehensible….to the “outliers” (those are the people outside my situation), that try and put their two cents in…or in most cases…89 cents in, to what my life should be. There’s a lot going on.
Widow Humor
Being a widow is a lot of things. Scary. Sad. Lonely. Guilt-ridden. But an unexpected side effect of the loss of my spouse is the humor and hilarity. Maybe I was funny person before. Maybe it has been in me all along. But after spending time again this year at Camp Widow, my cheeks hurt from laughing….and I didn’t spend the time giggling at…
camp widow 2010
it started off much the same way it did the year before (in a bar), but i have to say that the 2010 version was even better than 2009. why? several reasons. first, i got to catch up with the folks i met last year. so much had changed for all of us, and i got the sense that even the reason we were there had changed. it’s not that we…