It took 3 years to do it. 3 years to put up the Christmas tree. The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy. I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.After he died, the season and everything it meant died…
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not all bad
When we think of being widowed, we most often think of the sadness, the loss and the loneliness created in the wake of our loss. We reflect on what once was. We imagine and recreate what could have been ‘if only’. We long to be transported back in time to when life seemed sweeter and kinder. Rarely do we think of the blessings we have gained. The…
things.
one by one, with each trip to minnesota, they started to appear. new to me. new to maddy,but obviously only new to the two of us. first it was the bucket of crayons. then the silk pillow and matching silk blanket. then the baton with the water and green glitter inside. this trip? a plastic doll house and all the accessories that belonged inside. no…
Bitter Sweet ….
…. is the word I use to describe the upcoming Holidays now. Not as sucky as they’ve been (I hope), nor as sweet as they used to be. Jim died exactly one week before Christmas. Three weeks before his birthday.My “death march” begins right before Thanksgiving, as I remember where we were that year, what we were doing, how unsuspecting we all were.
Roses for Deltha
In what has become a tradition of ours, this Tuesday my kids and I placed roses in the sand. We tend to commemorate milestones related to my wife and especially the anniversary of her death by going to her favorite place, the beach. Inevitably whatever flowers we have wind up being planted ever so gently in the sand. Some years we’ll add a short…
How to be Thankful.
I just returned home from dinner out with the kids. It’s a nice rainy night, and we were all so warm and cozy inside the restaurant. It was the usual mix of merriment, and frustration, with us trying to have a good time, yet my daughter and I having to sit through the boys’ ongoing bickering. I shouldn’t be too surprised, as I don’t think I…
The Black Hole
I’m reading a report from a development optometrist Ezra saw last week. It’s a second opinion. I didn’t read the first report. I tried to… but it was too hard. Both reports highlight some of the things Ezra is struggling with in school.It spells out several areas he needs help in, like the need to work with a reading specialist. It tells…
Comfortable
It happened. I’d become comfortable. I’d accepted the fact that I must survive…thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse. Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News…
crushing
I have a crush. A sweet, secret, hang-out-with-our-kids-at-the-park, crush.When I see him, my heart does its best impersonation of a two year old having a spastic temper tantrum. I worry when I’m in his vicinity, that I act too eager. Talk too fast. Stare too intently into his kind, blue eyes. Fear that I may spontaneously transform into a giggly…
whose memories?
are the memories i have mine, or do they belong to someone else? i think about that a lot.like yesterday i was driving through hollywood and i saw an apartment building that we considered moving into. i could remember the interior, and i could remember the balcony, and the sound of traffic, and the smell of new paint and new carpet, and several…
I Seem to Be Falling Apart ….
… but this time …. I’m falling apart physically more than emotionally. At least for now. I’m not sure which is worse. I’m just hoping that, this time, I can cope with a physical problem without having the waves of grief crash in on me.I’ve had to deal with a lot of crap since Jim died …. crap that my body has experienced because of, in my…
And So It Goes
My son Grayson has been Daniel’s “mini me” since birth, and there are so many things about him that are like his dad that it sometimes takes my breath away. The way he walks, talks, thinks, the look on his face when he gets very excited, his look of intense concentration….the list goes on and on. Every once in a while I see a flicker of me, in…