I feel like a canary in a coal mine. The sadness being the air that I sometimes think will kill me. Ezra age 1.75 with Ricki (with a dad) Ezra 8.75 with Ricki (without a dad) All week long the sadness has been spillozing out of me: hovering above me like my own personal little dampener, echoing at the end of my laughter, pushing through my…
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Stocking Full of Memories
****This is a re-post from last year, but still one of my favorite moments in seeing the spark reignite in my family, as if the light had been turned on and they looked past his death and forward into his life. I’ll update next week on what gift they made/got for him! Merry Christmas**** Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back…
Christmas together
Tomorrow is the day that we have all been building up to in the last few months. I am sure that, like me, you are overwhelmed, tired and emotional. Preparing for this day is, at the best of times, exhausting…..but alone, it seems insurmountable.Please remind yourself to breathe deeply. To be gentle with yourself and to allow peace into your…
it’s more than a haircut.
maddy’s bangs were getting a little long and i’ve learned that i suck at cutting hair, so i took her to a professional.i could see the tears welling up in jeanette’s eyes as she stared at my best girl. and i knew what she was thinking. … i convinced maddy to take a seat. as jeanette took the rubber hair band out of her hair, i couldn’t believe…
“You Should Be Happy” …..
…. is what someone told me last night. Actually, the entire sentence was …. “All of your children are home. You should be happy.” I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I was on the phone, explaining to this person, through tears, that I was feeling sad. And that sentence was the response I got.Most people would probably agree with that…
Wrapped in the Warmth
The holiday season is on me – not upon me, but really ON me – like a rash…I’m totally covered up. 😉 I’m not complaining, it is the fun things that are burying me, too many parties, too many friends, too much love. Clearly you can never have too many friends or too much love. My cup is Niagara Falls.This year is a different one from the previous…
Holiday Feelings
I just returned home for an early Christmas celebration with my extended family. This is somewhat of a novelty, and we now live close enough to be a part of these type of celebrations on a regular basis. I had a good time, and love my family, but I did need to get in the right type of space to handle it.Earlier in the week I wrote about this on my…
Wonder Woman Returns
On Tuesday night, I went on a second date dressed as Wonder Woman. I know…right?!The back story: We tried to get together and then he was making cracks via email about how busy I am and then he asked if I was out saving the world, or something like that. He made a joke about my invisible airplane. His last comment to me before we met was…
Loveinity
This Thursday will mark our 5 year wedding anniversary. As I’ve stated through the years, this day has always been more difficult for me than any other…including the day he was killed. You see, I don’t define Michael’s life and our life together by the day he was killed, I’ve always defined it by our eternal love, and no day signifies that more…
two hands where four are needed
I recently found a “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Workbook”. It is full of quizzes and exercises to force you to look inward at yourself. This introspection makes me realize that I am pretty ‘normal’ if not, less ‘sweaty’ than the average person. I’ve been really enjoying ‘getting to know myself’ in the 5 minutes I take now and then to complete a…
my reminder.
sometimes most times when things are at their most difficult, madeline is there to distract me. remind me just how happy i can be.and she does this just by growing up. today, she sat silently mostly quietly on my lap in a theater in hollywood as we watched a movie. there was a little talking, but mostly it was laughing at the right times…
My Subconscious Mind ….
…. is sometimes a lot more powerful than I’d like it to be. Maybe it’s bigger than the rest of my mind. Or maybe it’s just a lot more determined to be in charge. All I know is that it’s very aware of the date on the calendar and it seems hell-bent on forcing my emotions to react to that memory …. even when the rest of my mind is going along…