….. I have been changed. “For Good”. This is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicals. Yesterday, for the first time in over three years ….. I could hear it, and sing with it, without crying. Not just tears-trickling-crying, but great, huge, gut-wrenching sobs-crying. For. The. First. Time. I have been changed. For good? Yes,…
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Special Cargo – Handle with Care
Like it was yesterday, I remember the night Daniel died and the drive home from the hospital. The drive home to G, who was innocently sleeping, still unaware that life as he knew it had radically altered. I remember talking myself through telling him what had happened. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach and so anxious. I knew that the next…
Shades of Blue
Blue has never been my color. I prefer to wear shades of grey, black or tan, although they are usually offset by my blue jeans. Blue has never been a color that I use in decorating my home, as it doesn’t do much for me.So, why then, have I chosen to wear these blue “shades” all the time? I have nothing against the color mind you. Actually, I used…
On A Four Star Floor
I’m sitting on the floor of a four star hotel (paid for with Amex points) I’m crying and I can’t seem to stop.This is not how I wanted this break to go. I wanted it to be about rejuvenation and rest and self-love. Instead it feels, right now, like it’s about not-enoughness and loss and fucking grief. It feels like it’s about transition and…
I Smile
I must say, with each passing year it’s as if another layer of sludge is washed away from my life….The life that began the day Michael was killed. I life I used to loathe to the core of my being. But for once, I’ve been watching, I’ve been learning. I’ve been trying to understand that which I don’t, and yet, with no answers I smile with the…
lurking tragedy
Since the death of Jeff, I am ALWAYS searching for reason or explanation for each occurrence that unfolds in my life. I have become adept at looking for, and most often finding, the “bright side”. Searching out the blessings. The gifts that, however difficult to see initially, reveal themselves as the shock of trauma wears away.I have found that…
three days.
out a window. through the branches. a tea room. a restaurant. third street. a short walk from my former home. our former home.for the last three days i’ve stared out that window. through those branches. at all of the places we used to visit. the circumstances that led me to this place, still unbelievable (when i allow myself to think about them).
Am I Turning My Husband …..
Am I turning my husband….. …. into a saint? After really sitting down to think about it and to honestly delve into the recesses of my mind (which was an exhausting trip, by the way) …. I think I can honestly say …… no.I know, as do we all, that we tend to remember more of the good times after someone dies. I also know, that many people…
The Occasional Landmine
So I did a little beginning of the new year organizing: cleaning out old files, sending things to Goodwill. I opened a box I apparently hadn’t opened since it had been packed in 2007. The box contained some of Daniel’s books, all of the condolence cards I received after the funeral, and his LiveStrong notebook. The books were mostly financial in…
It’s 3:00AM
And I can’t sleep. This used to be a normal time to be sitting at my computer fingers tapping, and tears streaming down my face. I can’t count the number of times my feelings have been pounded out on my keyboard, but its been a good long time since the familiar ache of missing Phil has kept me awake into the wee hours of the morning. My heart is…
Death Sucks
I was wearing this t-shirt the other day. It was a “you think your life is bad, I dare you to try mine” day. I was feeling righteous. I was feeling mad. I was feeling “How dare you world go on and leave me here, in this life, struggling today to just do enough. How dare you!”I was willing to take it out on any poor sap who dared comment about death…
Here We Go
It’s here. My fourth year of not being able to refer to my love alive. But as somber as it sounds, it’s also my fourth year of being living proof of just what the power and strength of love can get you through.I’ve never set resolutions and hopes for each year, other than just trying to find more good days than bad in the months ahead….even if…