I’m currently in between jobs. Because I wasn’t exactly sure when my new job would begin, I had to play it cautiously, and give two weeks’ notice to my most recent employer. It was a matter of jumping through many pre-employment hoops, then playing the waiting game of all the required documentation to be returned to the Human Resources office,…
Blog
A Different Grief
It was a lovely evening. I could feel the exhaustion running all the way into my finger tips and for once I welcomed it. It was 9:30 pm. I checked the clock 7 times to make sure I hadn’t misread it. 9:30 pm and for once all three of my children were in bed and….asleep. A self-congratulatory smirk (accompanied with a sigh of unimaginable relief)…
Books Revisited
**I’ve been revisiting past blogs. It’s sort of a way to remind myself how far I’ve come and continue to go. Here’s one I wrote May 9, 2009, that I wanted to share. I think we all, in some way or at some point, turn to books, blogs (wink, wink), or other forms of writing for healing** I believe for me, that a huge part of figuring out one’s grief,…
kinship
Nine months after Jeff died, my beloved grandfather joined him in the great fishing grounds in the sky. My grandmother was, understandably bereft. She asked me, “Does it ever begin to feel any better?” In that moment, I was struck by one thing. We were now not only linked by blood and family, but by the kinship of grieving our spouse.Marriage…
another one.
last week in austini met someonewho will die soon. i looked back at her, listening as she shared her life with me, learning that she’d soon be leaving her husband in the position we all find ourselves in. cancer was there, staring me in the face but all i could see was one of the strongest people i had ever met. i cried with her…
A Double Edged Sword ….
…. is something I should be used to by now. I’m not. I am in Alaska this week. This is my second visit. The first time was back in 2007 …. with Jim and the Sons. It was to be our last family vacation. Ever. Jim died 6 months later.My brother lives here and I came to be his “nurse” after he has back surgery today. (I’m not sure why anyone would…
Introducing Chris and Maggie
Like everyone else who shares the title “widower” or “widow”, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t kick sleeping dogs or twist baby toes to make them cry. I can’t imagine what I did that pissed off the devil (or God) to get me to this place but here I am. Here you are. I’m not going anywhere so I might as well be polite and introduce us…
Living With The Past, But Not Living In It.
I received a call last weekend that took me a week, and much anxiety, to return. Back when I first met Michael, I was quickly introduced to his best friend. He’s a wonderful guy, the perfect and loyal friend to Michael, and he was also his first boyfriend. They basically grew up together as adults. They saw each other go through many triumphs and…
The Bikini
“Mom look!” She’s not timid. She’s not afraid. She walks into my office in her first bikini. Until this moment she had never worn one, never as a baby, toddler or little girl. Until this moment she only wore board shorts and rash guards. She has never worn one as the daughter of Art.Two weeks after her 11th birthday she asked for one. I waited for…
Suffering
“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.” -Franz Kafka I’m at one of our bi-monthly AWP events. Our first night is one of the most interesting. For many of the widows, it is there…
as I remember
When telling a story, Jeff or I would occasionally correct each other’s rendition of the tale. Although I am always as truthful as possible, there were times when either of us would need a reminder of the facts of a past event and it was comforting to know that I could always ask him some small memory that was remembered by both of us. “How long…
what am i doing?
you know what’s not easy? talking about what happened on march 25th, 2008 over and over and over and over again. (you people know this better than anyone).i lived it. i wrote about it and now i’m reading it out loud to crowds of people i wouldn’t know if it hadn’t happened to me, to us, a little more than three years ago. i thought it …