When he left for the trip he never returned from, we began writing letters to each other. Despite the fact that we also talked on the phone every night, we wanted to have the letters as a reminder of these times. Neither of us ever knew that he’d not make it back from that first flying contract. Neither of us knew we would only exchange three away…
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Running On Empty
Do you know that saying ‘running on the smell of an oily rag’? Maybe it’s an Australian thing, but it’s the best description I can think of to explain how I’m feeling today. I’m exhausted and my tank is low. My ‘refuel’ light is flashing and I need to pull up and refuel. So, I’m trying to lay low this weekend and as much as I want to pour my…
Boomerang
I feel honored to be a part of this special writer’s club that gets to speak and type my voice on this blog. I really do. I am one of seven voices, and that feels really nice, that people would even be interested in hearing or reading what I have to say. But sometimes, Sometimes I feel as if I am typing into a great big void of nothingness.
Swimming
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming… -Dory, Finding Nemo Mike was an enormous presence – truly larger-than-life. He had a childlike spirit; a wondrous, awe-filled approach to life, loved having fun and pushing the limits. A geek his entire life, he obsessed about things like Star Wars, Robin Hood, Doc Savage, Lord of the…
Shadow Boxing~
Caves and shadows and darkness and not being able to see around you. It could be frightening. Or it could be maybe okay.We live in a hurry up culture and we live in a culture where you’re supposed to be happy and positive and everything is feel good. With an occasional momentary break for a worldwide tragedy but life gets very quickly back…
Avoidance
Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian’s death by overloading myself with work and study.And I’m still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who’s poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.But now I find I’m avoiding going back into the workforce. I…
Identities
I had a session with my beloved therapist the other day. I filled her in on what had happened since I’d last seen her and then she said “What do you think about coming to see me? Do you think you’re ready for a break?” and it was as if I’d expected her to ask me.I was only slightly hesitant to say yes. She asked me what came up for me as I’d…
The Star of Seven
I was at an estate sale yesterday and I found this little wooden bookmark hiding away in a corner that really intrigued me. I picked it up and read on the back something about The Star of Seven Day. Further intrigued, I purchased it and brought it home to research. It turns out it is a scene depicting the story of the Tanabata Festival.
A Terrible Day
Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of my husband’s suicide, and the day my world fell apart. I can’t believe I’ve survived twelve months, it feels like such an unreasonably long time. I hate even saying it out loud. One year. I don’t feel ready to be in my second year of grieving, it’s still too soon, too raw, too…
Waiting
I think I’m confused. Am I actually doing better? Have I turned a very large corner? Is the worst of this hell actually behind me? Or is there no such thing as that being true? Am I about to set myself up for a ginormous fall? Like I said, I think I’m confused.Last Sunday was the 3 year death anniversary. I wrote about it in here last week. I was…
My Mind’s Eye
Sometimes I’d swear Mike is here with me. I keep getting the sensation of his presence…or maybe, my mind and heart are just working overtime to remember. To remember how it felt when he was in the room with me. The sound of his breath, his footsteps…how he looked, the familiar freckles on his forearms, his latest mustache creation, his…
Time. Seriously.
Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. I shuddered the other day when I realized that he’s been dead for 15 months. In our 24 years together, we’ve never been apart this long.15 months. I still don’t remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so. I look at pictures and they are…