There’s an old adage that says that you should make sure that you are always wearing nice underpants in case you end up at the hospital and some health care worker witnesses the terrible state of your undergarments. I remember this and other silly issues causing me concern at one point.I could worry about this still…if I worked at it. But now,…
widow
There is a Time ….
…. for mostly …. everything. Even time for things that at other times …. look very negative. Like Selfishness. There is a time for selfishness …. and I had that time. I needed that time. I needed it in order to survive. Literally.Grieving demands selfishness. At no other time in one’s life must a person think ONLY of her/him self,…
Not A Quitter
I had one of those conversations with a stranger. You know, the one that starts with “so how long have you been divorced?” This one ended up lasting a bit longer than usual, despite my lob of the usually effective conversation stopper: “I’m not divorced, I’m a widow, my husband died 5 years ago.” Instead, this person wanted the details – she was…
The Smell
I didn’t mean to. I was only trying to help, to help him, because he missed you so much. He was in your closet. He came out and said, “It doesn’t smell like Daddy anymore.” He looked so sad. He looked so forlorn. So I showed him my secret. Your cap. The one I keep folded up tight, in a Ziplock bag, stashed in my bedside table. …
When Does Grief End
Hey Y’all, I’m short for words today, but wanted to share a poem I hope will help you as much as it has helped me.When Does Grief End? Grief hits us like a ton of bricks, Flattens us like a steamroller, Hurls us into the depths of despair. We know in a flash when grief hits, But when does it end? Like the month of March, Grief rushes in like a…
they are okay
There are days or moments that I watch my little ones and think, “Bloody Hell. They are going to be so messed up after all they’ve been through.” Then there are times that I see them blossom and bloom with smiles, laughter and play where I think, “If you didn’t know what had happened, you would think these two had a ‘normal’ life.” All I know for…
I Have Super Powers ….
…. and so do you. Some of you may be so new to this “club” that you aren’t aware of your powers yet. But you have them. Oh you certainly have them. In fact, the newer you are in the club, the stronger your powers are. And they are very, very strong.My powers are starting to weaken, and I’ve lost one of them completely …. I think. This…
The Importance of Being Frank
It’s funny how life changes you. I’m sure part of it is just age, but I know lots of people my age who haven’t “turned out” the way I have. What I wonder is: am I really different now, or am I really just getting to know myself?I think my experience of widowhood has made me less tolerant of bullshit. I know it has. Life is too short to beat around…
This One’s for You: Musical Monday
Before Phil died, I was that friend. The one you called when you were mad at your husband and needed to tell someone what he did who wouldn’t hold it against him later. I was the person who could be counted on to answer the phone at odd hours; watch your kids if you needed a break; or the one person who would remind you of your new years…
Emergency
Ever since April 16, 2009 I have struggled with what name to put in the blank space that says “In Case of Emergency”I loathe that blank space. It reminds me no one will love my kids as ferociously, as tenderly, as fully as Art did. It makes me want to go back to bed as if sleep will solve the issue. …
Knowledge
Someone once said that it is knowledge sets us free, but as I’ve learned, everyone’s knowledge is different. After Michael died I knew nothing but one thing in life. I could no longer answer questions on why or how things turned out as they did. I could not tell you right from left. As time has passed though, I have embraced the unknown and learned…
silence and vulnerability
The middle of the night is where I feel your void most intensely. I attempt to busy my brain with other less painful activities. I lay in our nightlight lit room listening to the drippy wet sounds of the aquarium down the hall, the monotonous whirr of the bathroom fan left on, the refrigerator starting up yet again. I attempt to make a mental list…