I’ve noticed this past week how very loud my grief is in relation to all the other bits that make up the person of Stephanie. We all have our memories, milestones, accomplishments, regrets…all the things we did and that happened to us, combined with the sorts of personalities we are, making us the people we are now. But when you have this…
suddenly widowed
A Relict Relates
In two days it will be two years and eight months since Mike died. Some days it seems like he’s been gone eternally longer than that…other days it seems like yesterday. Time is a strange thing. The other morning I was doing some organizing and I did what I do occasionally which is to check in a certain box to be sure our wedding rings and…
Just Be There
The more I learn and understand about the grieving process, the more I also clearly see how deeply our culture is uninformed about it and how horribly damaging it can be to some of us already damaged by the loss itself. So be forewarned: this post is a bit of a rant. I can’t remember ever in my life being taught anything about death other than…
So Long, Subaru
My car is dead. Mike and I bought our Subaru in 2005 anticipating the arrival of his girls on the island; at the time we had only his pickup truck – which I still have – so we needed more of a family car. It’s funny how cars hold such a sentimental value. I’ve been asked several times if I’d sell his truck: NO WAY. It’s old, dirty and…
Straddling Two Worlds
I feel as if I’m living life with each foot in a different world. One is still firmly planted in the life I shared with Mike. The imprint, not just of Mike himself, but of the life we had together, the World of Mike and Steph, is always there. I never stop wondering what we would be doing now were he still alive…I never stop referring to him,…
Widows Walk
I am fortunate to have many beautiful family and friends in my life. Today, though, I feel moved to express just how important all my widowed friends are to me. I know I would not be able to walk through my own life now without them. The day Mike died, as we were making all those terrible phone calls, and just after that word “widow” had…
Triggered
The other day I went into Sports Authority looking for something – it’s not a store I need to go to very often but it was one of Mike’s favorites. He was so excited when we heard a big sports store was coming to our little island town all those years ago. As I was walking around I was hit with a flood of memories of being in there with him. I…
She is…
She stands alone on her porch gazing up at the night sky remembering all the countless nights in years past she stood there together with her lost love. She remembers how they gaped at the star-filled sky, the Milky Way, the shining moon, here in this remote outback of the world, so far from any big city lights…the excitement they shared over a…
Gone Dancing
I can’t believe Mike is really gone forever. I just can’t wrap my head around that fact. He feels so alive to me in my heart; in my mind’s eye I see him going about his days as he did, his enthusiastic energy always pulsing within my purview. Mike was just one of those people who was…just so full of life. I’ve run into two friends this…
What I’ve Learned
Losing my husband unexpectedly and learning to live with that loss has taught me so much. I’ve been thinking about this off and on for quite awhile…and while the sum total is far too long for one blog post and the learning process is ongoing probably for the rest of my life, I think there are a few pretty solid bullet points to share. What…
The Wave
You know the one. That wave of emotion that overcomes us, drowns us, in that rush of remembering all at once, what our reality is now… I still remember (how could I ever forget?) in the first days and weeks after Mike died, waking up before the sun and lying there trying to grasp that he wasn’t here anymore…dragging myself out of bed,…
Unintended Solitude
I used to enjoy solitude. My mother tells me that when I was a child, I used to prefer playing in my room by myself with my toys and books to playdates with friends. She said I’d spend hours up there alone, and even thought it was a bit odd for it. Not to say I never played with other kids – of course I did. But a lot of the time, I was…