While my husband was taking his last breath, I was at home re-potting these plants. Totally oblivious that my world – as I knew it – was about to end. The shower drain in my bathroom really needs to be cleaned out, yet the thought of doing it causes the blood in my body to rush to my toes and leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe. You see,…
rebecca collins
My Own Worst Enemy
I feel like I’ve been in a rut for more than a month now, since Dan’s first anniversary. I’ve had days here and there where I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it, but in general, the pain has been very deep and the ache for him, overwhelming. The grief has been so relentless that it’s started messing with my head and making me…
Widows Do the Darndest Things
This week I found myself participating in some very strange widow behavior, searching google earth for images of my husband when he was still alive. It started last week when I was using the program to check an address and noticed there is a sliding time line in Google Earth where you can go back weeks/months/years and see satellite images from…
Taking time out
Self-care can be taking the time to enjoy the light and scent of a beautiful candleThis week I started out wanting to write about how difficult it’s been facing the onslaught of traditional and social media commentary on Robin Williams’ death, from the point of view of a suicide widow. I wanted to talk about how it felt to read the ignorant,…
The Green-Eyed Monster
On my good days, I can look at some of the qualities I’ve seen in myself since my husband died and feel proud of how I’ve handled this pain. For example, I see a lot more strength and resilience in myself now. I see a compassionate person, a sensitive person, and someone wiser who can focus on the bigger picture rather than get angry or…
Running On Empty
Do you know that saying ‘running on the smell of an oily rag’? Maybe it’s an Australian thing, but it’s the best description I can think of to explain how I’m feeling today. I’m exhausted and my tank is low. My ‘refuel’ light is flashing and I need to pull up and refuel. So, I’m trying to lay low this weekend and as much as I want to pour my…
A Terrible Day
Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of my husband’s suicide, and the day my world fell apart. I can’t believe I’ve survived twelve months, it feels like such an unreasonably long time. I hate even saying it out loud. One year. I don’t feel ready to be in my second year of grieving, it’s still too soon, too raw, too…
Here I Go Again on My Own
Being here in the United States on my own this week has been a very enlightening experience. I have had moments of feeling vulnerable and isolated and also moments of incredible confidence, like I can take on the world. After my husband died it’s been a struggle to adjust to being alone again. I know I can do things without him – I just don’t…
My Parallel Universe
I’ve had a really tough few weeks. In some ways, it has almost felt like I’m right back at the start – crying from the moment I wake up without him in my bed until I pass out each night from exhaustion. Thankfully, it has lifted again in recent days but in the depth of this latest low I realised I was withdrawing from the people in my life in a…
It’s Just Not Fair
I was driving home from work recently, singing along to the radio in my own little world, when I passed a car the exact same model and colour as my husband’s. Next thing I knew I was instantly transported back to That Day. The last time I saw my husband, 11 months ago, was around 8am as he kissed me goodbye and left for work. But he didn’t go to…
I Miss You
Sometimes the English language feels so inadequate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve said ‘I miss him’ in the past 11 months since my husband passed away. But each time I say it, I find myself thinking that these three words just aren’t enough to fully capture the ache that is tearing at my body, mind and soul. ‘I miss…
A Beautiful Day
This week brought with it a major milestone – my first wedding anniversary. A special day that I should have been celebrating with my darling but, instead, had to spend alone, as his widow. I’ve had a pretty busy few weeks so even though I knew it was looming, the reality of the day really snuck up on me. One year ago I married the man of my…