There is nothing that will make you feel quite as tiny and insignificant in the universe as when you are completely alone in a room, choking. Nothing drives home the very smallness and randomness of your purpose here on Earth, than almost being taken out by some chicken noodle soup. Yup. You heard me. You read that correctly. On Monday, October…
kelley lynn
I Am Alone. I Am With You.
Here is a riddle: What is more sad? Going to the movies alone, or going to the movies with a group of friends, who barely speak to each other or acknowledge each other’s existence? This past weekend, I really wanted to see Gravity. So I went alone. Going to the movies, or anywhere really, by myself, is not a big deal to me. When I was married,…
My Person
My thoughts are all over the place tonight. Scattered in the air, like confetti. Sometimes I come in here, to this blog site, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to say. I want to say everything – and nothing. Tonight is one of those nights. So here are a few random thoughts that are on my mind right this minute. If I’m lucky, they will end…
What if I Forget?
What If I Forget …. His smell. His funny lips and the way they turned up at the corner. His skin. His dry skin that always needed chapstick, and his back that always needed to be scratched. What If I forget … Those piercing blue eyes that became someone else’s eyes when he donated them to the eye bank. The way they looked at me. Through me.
Turn It Down
Today is my birthday. Sort of. This blog will post on Friday, and so by the time you read this, it will no longer be my birthday. But right now, this minute, Thursday, September 26th, at almost midnight, it is the end of my birthday. This year, I am 42. This is the 3rd birthday without my husband. My first birthday without him was so awful, I don’t…
Numbers
I am jealous of old people. Every single old person that I see walking down the street. I am jealous of them. The bitter ones. The wrinkled up, exhausted by life ones. The healthy ones. The sick ones. The ones who have made it into their late 80’s or even early 90’s, and who are still walking side by side with their partners. The husband…
Grief is….
Grief Is … Grief is that feeling where nothing is flat. There are mountains and hills and mud, and giant pieces of glass. There is fire and lightning and floods, and you are walking in it, without any shoes on. In the dark. Grief is scolding hot and chilled to the bone. It gets in your nails and leaves you unwhole.Grief is being jealous of…
Corn Nuts
I used to love Corn Nuts. My husband Don hated Corn Nuts and used to make fun of me all the time for eating them.”What is the attraction to these things?” he would say. “Its like eating plywood.” “Yes, but it’s cheese-flavored plywood!”, I would retort as I crunched close to his face to purposely annoy him. “Jesus, could they be any louder? I…
Running
I never really liked running. Never really saw the point. For exercise? Sure, but I’d much rather play a sport or go swimming or do just about anything other than feel the pounding of my flattened and worn-out feet, screaming for mercy against the hot and unforgiving pavement. Or feel my knees hurting and buckling and cracking with each breath,…
Rent-A-Human
I am nowhere near ready to start “dating” again, or “getting myself out there” again, or fall in love again. I am still madly and deeply in love with my dead husband, and I am just not in that place where it feels right to invite someone new into this life with me. Not now. Not yet. I don’t know when. However, there is something that I do want.