The thought occasionally enters my mind now and then that maybe I should date. I’m lonely. I want someone to talk to. Someone to spend time with. Someone to care about and have care about me. But then, I wonder, am I just looking for Jeff? No one is EVER going to measure up to him. No one is ever going to have his sense of humor, his sexiness, his…
jackie chandler
Stinking flowers
When people die, no one really knows what to do. Call? Visit? Send cards, casseroles or flowers? I can personally say that most of the above were very much appreciated. In the fog of grief, many of these overtures were not remembered, unfortunately. So, please, don’t be offended if the thank-you card never arrives. The sympathy cards were kind…
fear of losing more
Jeff’s gone. I know that. The kids know that. But he is still such an enormous part of every day, every moment, every breath. He is thought of constantly. Cherished. Missed.We talk about him multiple times every day. To feel close to him. To ensure that my children, who were so young when their daddy died, exercise those memories so that they are…
call me
I haven’t called Jeff’s number in almost two years. In the first few days after he died, I called him repeatedly….apologizing. Wishing I could have saved him. Begging him to come home. His cell phone number is still programmed into the home phone and my cell phone. I will never be able to delete it. If it is on my phone, it seems that he is just…
ode to your toothbrush
If the toothbrush holder is a reflection of the household occupants, people would think that we were the perfect family of four. A girl, a boy, a mommy, a daddy. All of our toothbrushes stand huddled together in the cup. As I sit on the toilet, I imagine that my toothbrush is staring at yours, begging yours to come back to life. Your toothbrush…
comradery
Before widowhood, I really, truly thought I knew a lot. I supposed I knew how I should/would/could react in a variety of situations. How others should/could/would act. The ‘right’ the ‘wrong’ in a plethora of situations. What a variety of other people’s actions meant regarding their thoughts or mental state. I was wrong. So very wrong.I remember so…
strength and surrender
These two words, strength and surrender, seem to be at odds with each other. Opposites. Separate. As a young widow, one of the phrases that I hear so often is “You’re so strong!” Throughout this journey, as many of you feel as well, I haven’t felt strong. I have often felt weak and lost. I have felt vulnerable and afraid. I have felt that I have…
this day
As you wake this Christmas morning, you may feel alone lying in your bed. You may feel far from your beloved that you’ve lost. You may cry and feel sorry for yourself. You may watch your children open their presents as tears roll down your cheeks. But know that we are not alone.We are all facing this together. Your loved ones are with you, if in…
life without a mirror
I had a dream that I found Jeff. I was so totally overjoyed and so excited that I attempted to jump into his arms. The shock and confusion, even hostility, that he looked at me with was horrifying. He didn’t recognize me. He didn’t know me anymore.He scooped up our little ones in a tight embrace and laughed at how they’ve grown and who they are.
a place for you, my love
I’ve struggled this past year and a half to find the ‘right’ words to mark Jeff’s life and his person on a commemorative bench on the West Coast of this island, in a the small fishing village where we met, fell in love and started our life together.I needed to find something that would bring ‘him’ to life in a phrase for those who knew him and for…
plumbing prowess and other miracles
Tonight, as I attempted to turn off the water to the tub, I was hit with a major plumbing emergency. Initially, as I was unable to shut off the water to the already very full bath, I thought, “Oh, *^%$#. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!”Turning the knob to the left did nothing. Turning it to the right had the same undesired effect. Saying my most…
musical memories
Today, as I scanned through my CD collection in search of something mellow yet fun to listen to while doing housework, I found that every. single. bloody. CD had some memory intertwined in its’ melody.I found myself sobbing due to the fact that I am the one now, the ONLY one, who remembers dancing in the wheelhouse of the boat in the middle of the…