I keep returning here to write something. To let you all know that things are okay and that life goes on and we are happy. They are, it does and often we are. But I am feeling the weight lately of a realization. One I should have had two years and eight months ago. This is FOREVER.Not solely being without Jeff. But taking the garbage out by myself.
jackie chandler
deja vu….again
A local stable burnt down last week. Now as I drive past the ashes where the barn once stood, I see the surviving horses milling around their paddocks…looking slightly lost. When I read an article in the local paper about the event, I could imagine the throat choking smoke, the flames licking the sky, the sounds of crashing timbers and sirens. I…
thank you….mostly
I met a recently widowed woman in the doctor’s office the other day. We talked sadly yet conspiratorially. I nodded as she mentioned having trouble trusting herself in public as she was concerned she would either throw up her hands and scream at all the ridiculous and vacuous frivolity that seems to go on in the world unnoticed by ‘normal’ folk or…
brand name
Doctor Obsequious Tattle-tale Cashier Humanitarian Uncle Artist Labels are words that used to describe ourselves and others – a way to quickly and efficiently identify traits and tendencies.When I think about the labels used to describe or identify me, the one that gives me most to think about is ‘widow’. Initially, I despised this branding. I…
the anger
**My apologies for the raw and rude wording of this post. It’s been written in the heat of the moment but I feel it would lessen its ‘feel’ if I softened the wording. I hope no one is offended** There are times I hate him for dying. Two and a half years later and I could spit fury at his lack of care for his health, for his concern for our…
wishing it were
My daughter, Liv, has always loved stories. Stories of mythical creatures and the lessons these myths hold seem to entice her imagination into applying these learning experiences upon her life. Awhile back, for movie night, the kids and I watched “The Secret of Roane Inish”. After learning of the legend of the Selkies, Liv was truly enraptured and…
senseless socks
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on this journey of widowhood is that grief is not logical. It makes no sense. It’s arrogant and naive to believe that we think we know how we would react in any stressful or painful situation. Segments of our lives, portions of our morals and many of our ideals become frayed and scattered. When we begin to…
to try again or not to try again
I’m lonely. Bitter and lonely. I don’t want to date….but when no one asks me to go on a date, I feel stung and…..lame. What is wrong with me? Are my thighs too large? Do I not have a good enough job? Do I have too much baggage? Do I look to androgynous?Then I look around at what is out here. I’m young-ish but old enough that if someone my age…
Grade Three
This week my little girl, Liv, started school….not kindergarten or grade one. Until now, she had been homeschooled. When Jeff was alive, we had discussed our desires for our children’s education and what we thought would be the best pathway for our family to take. Although we both agreed that homeschooling was the choice for us at the time, Jeff…
stuffing
I’ve been stuffing. I don’t mean putting bread and spices into a turkey’s nether regions. I mean my emotions. It’s been too painful to deal with this loss. I avoid Jeff’s photos. I redirect my thoughts. I do things that seem to take the pain away for a moment. When I talk of the loss of Jeff, I refuse to feel the sadness. I push it down. I turn…
Keep standing
Tonight, I took Liv to a meeting. It just so happened to be at a place that I haven’t been to in 19 months and 12 days. The place Liv was baptised. The place we were married. The place Jeff’s funeral was held. I didn’t think it would affect me much. I thought I had grown stronger and more resilient. I knew it would sting a bit, but I hadn’t…
are you there grief? it’s me, jackie
Now and then, I sit down before the computer on the night before my post is due for Widow’s Voice and stare blankly at the screen. Mentally, I examine my current thoughts, my day’s mullings, recent happenings. I gleen for any unprobed areas of the loss of Jeff…..and find none. It’s not often that this happens. But occasionally, there is quiet. An…