I’ve struggled this past year and a half to find the ‘right’ words to mark Jeff’s life and his person on a commemorative bench on the West Coast of this island, in a the small fishing village where we met, fell in love and started our life together.I needed to find something that would bring ‘him’ to life in a phrase for those who knew him and for…
Widowed
six weeks ago
today was tuesday.and it sucked.started the day workingon the stuffi didn’t want to work on.rote the check for liz’sfuneral today.and mailed two copies of herdeath certificateout to some folkswho need them.also had toget something from her closet.and for the firsttime was faced withherhamper fullof dirty clothesandher wall of shoes.they…
Feeling Small …..
I’m feeling a bit lost and small as I head towards the second year mark of Jim’s death. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and it draws me in to places I don’t want to go.I don’t want to be sad and I don’t want to feel like I have no energy. I don’t want to wish that I weren’t here, but I seem to have no control over how I feel ….. and…
Wading Through
So it’s been one of those weeks, filled with wonderful things: Widow’s Rock Austin was a great time, with some great widows and friends of widows (thanks to all who came!!) and we raised money for Camp Widow 2010 (yay!!!); my sister surprised me at Widow’s Rock – she flew in unexpectedly from England for the event and will stay for a week; Grayson…
A Gift
My husband died less than one hour after being hit by a car on his bicycle. I arrived at the scene before the ambulance did, and stood at the foot of his bed in the emergency room as he took his last breath. I watched the color leave his face, and I recognized the moment when his spirit no longer inhabited his body. And I consider myself one of the…
I Believe in Fairy Tales
Michael’s my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me.But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and…
plumbing prowess and other miracles
Tonight, as I attempted to turn off the water to the tub, I was hit with a major plumbing emergency. Initially, as I was unable to shut off the water to the already very full bath, I thought, “Oh, *^%$#. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!”Turning the knob to the left did nothing. Turning it to the right had the same undesired effect. Saying my most…
photos
sunday night.2:00am.for the first time,just saw some photos of lizposted to flickr by anyaand i lost my shit.photos of liz(almost all taken by me)have brought melots of comfortover the past few weeks,but these were different.these photos were takenby someone elseduring happy timesthat i wasn’t a part of…her bachelorette party andvarious…
We Made It ….
Widowhood is a very, very long road but we made it past Thanksgiving, didn’t we? We may have not wanted to, it may have been yet another punch in the gut, it may have been less horrible than we anticipated …. but we did it.We all keep putting one foot in front of the other (most days) and as we walk we grow stronger and stronger. We don’t feel as…
The View from my Mind
Well it was Thanksgiving number 5 without Daniel. I’ve said it before, but really, it is just hard to believe. It seems like he was just here. This was the first one that wasn’t quite so difficult to bear. Grayson and I usually go to the coast with my family and spend a couple of days fishing, collecting sea shells, feeding the sea gulls (like this…
You
I have the very distinct honor of leading a group of the most compassionate people I have ever met. Really. When I tell someone what I do for a living, I am generally met with a questioning look and an awkward silence. Since I don’t look like a widow 😉 the person across from me generally spends a few seconds trying to figure out WHY I am the…
Take It All
We are all at a standstill. You and me. You poised to help, not knowing what to do.Me, on the other side, wanting help, not knowing what to ask for. Art’s presence has been with me all day. I just stood in my kitchen crying.Pallas looking on, hugging me.”This is so hard.” I said’I miss him too, Mommy.” she said.And I want dinner delivered…