it’s been three years since i was here, in the place that appears to be the end of the earth.my life is much different now than i imagined it would be, (whose isn’t, right?) but being here makes it seem like nothing has changed. that blue building where we stayed is still there. i just walked past it. the boats in the harbor continue to…
Widowed
THE Valley ….
…. you know the one. I think that most people, even those who are “non-religious”, are familiar with its name. It’s the big-daddy of them all. The Valley of the Shadow of Death. It’s mentioned in the Bible and has been referenced in countless books, movies, TV shows, etc.It’s been on my mind a lot lately. You see, I never really knew what it was…
Time Flies
Last week was the first week of school. Grayson started the 5th grade and is currently enjoying his “senior” status on the elementary school campus. As usual we had our first day ritual, a leisurely breakfast followed by a whirlwind final check of the backpack and self-conscious wardrobe review to check for “coolness”. Last year we walked to…
Five Years
Hi honey, As I type this letter to you I am wrestling with the fact that you have been dead for five years. Even though I have lived without you for 1,825 days…every once in awhile I still feel I could turn over my shoulder and you would be there with a big grin wondering what I will think of your latest joke. You would be amazed by the growth…
Acts Of Faith
Friday, August 27th I put Langston and Pallas on a bus today to attend Camp Erin, a weekend camp for grieving kids. I drive away before the bus does. And on the 10 heading west, in traffic (thankfully) I cry. Putting them on a bus is…an Act of Faith. Faith that they will come back to me. Faith that I will not have to go and identify their crushed…
He Smiled
The other night I had a dream with Michael in it. A festival of some sort was taking place and I stood some distance away…eyes glued to my love. Something passed by, that before Michael could even look at it, I knew would be something he’d find amusing. I knew it would happen. One of the things that melted my heart and still brings butterflies to…
Keep standing
Tonight, I took Liv to a meeting. It just so happened to be at a place that I haven’t been to in 19 months and 12 days. The place Liv was baptised. The place we were married. The place Jeff’s funeral was held. I didn’t think it would affect me much. I thought I had grown stronger and more resilient. I knew it would sting a bit, but I hadn’t…
another anniversary.
on august 11th the goodmans arrived for our third annual trip to celebrate my wedding anniversary.while we waited for them to arrive i watched maddy try to drive my car, play with some bamboo sticks, and pick the flowers in our yard. as she played i thought about liz and the fact that i had two wedding anniversaries with her, and now three…
Love is Not ….
…. a cure-all. For grief. Or for anything that goes along with grief …. like an aching heart, feeling lonely, wanting your spouse back, or feeling misunderstood.Finding love again is wonderful in so many ways. Ultimately it makes you feel like a woman again, rather than a widow (or, I imagine, like a man, rather than a widower). But it…
Fear is powerful
Fear is the voice in your head that tells you things are impossible, the doubts that creep into your mind when you’re up late and the kids are asleep, the voice that tells you that hope is for patsies. Fear is not an emotion that I experience very often. It’s not in my make-up. Call it ignorance, call it bravado, there isn’t much that makes me…
When the Heartache Ends
I have been wondering lately if being happy limits the freedom I feel to still mourn Phil’s death. I have the feeling that “others” expect that my current happiness will cancel out the residual sadness that still exists in my heart over the loss of a man I loved so much. Yes, I realize this is MY issue. The thing is, I am happy. And yet, I am also…
Other People’s Grief
I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow. Tonight I saw it on them. In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief. Other people dealing with the loss of…. my…