Do not be fooled by the lightness you see in me – The cool easy smile across my face. I would like to kill this silence to death. This silence in me where once stood the man of my soul. A silence louder than all the rest. Do not be fooled for a moment – For where you see my eyes shine with being You see a moment in time that I am…
Widowed Suddenly
What Was My Point?
I am the Friday writer here at Widow’s Voice. That means, that every single Friday, a blog post written by me goes up. Technically, I write the post late Thursday night, so as to have it finished by the deadline of midnight West Coast time, which is 3 a.m. my time. So, you would think that because I have been writing in here for quite awhile now,…
Chop wood. Carry water.
There is a saying in Zen: Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After Mike died I couldn’t function coherently at all for about a week. I couldn’t focus on the basic necessities of cooking, cleaning, errands…even driving. I really could not drive…
The Box
I put a blue sticky note on it so the movers wouldn’t pack it. I carefully carried it to the car, hefting its astonishing weight, and placed it gently in the back seat. Alone for a few moments at the new place, I picked it up again, and carried it close to my body up to the new bedroom and found its new spot where it snugly fits. I closed the door…
Two Years Ago
Two years year ago this week, I had no concept of time. Nor of my life any longer as I knew it. Two years ago today, I was making funeral arrangements For the man I had planned to grow old with. And going from pain to disbelief and back to pain every 10 minutes Like an endless loopTwo years ago today, I was two days in to being an unwedded widow.
What If
One of the amazing and inspiring things that has happened as a result of losing the person I love most in this world to death, is meeting so many incredible and beautiful people who have also lost the person they love most. One of these people is my friend Sarah Treanor. Some of you may know of her, as she is the Sunday writer here at “Widow’s…
Daydream Driving
I was driving around town the other day and I suddenly became aware of my thoughts. You know how when you’re driving sometimes it’s kind of by rote, and you forget how you got where you were going because you’re so busy chewing on some memory or idea in your head? I paused at a stoplight and looked around. I realized I had been thinking about…
Help
Here’s what I’m noticing as I begin to build a life with someone since Dave died. I’m struggling to let myself be helped. I fight against the idea of my boyfriend doing things for me. I’m torn between the desire to let myself be a part of a couple again and split the work up – You do the finances because you love it and I’m terrible at it. I do…
Different
In exactly one week, Friday, June 13th, it will be one month from the 3-year anniversary of my husband’s sudden death. It feels different somehow to me this year, even though the actual day or month is not here yet. First of all, on the first two death anniversaries, I spent them both staying at my parent’s house, with my family. We did a big…
One of Those Days
My car broke down. Again. It’s been acting up quite a bit lately. I took it in and they said it needed new struts. That wasn’t cheap. But it was still making weird noises and behaving strangely. A few weeks ago it didn’t want to start…then it finally did, so I immediately drove down and had a new battery put in. Then a few days later…
Fear
I was leaving the house yesterday when I realized, with amazement, that I wasn’t filled with dread at leaving my cats and house unattended. After Dave died, I would leave the house and immediately my mind would fill with images of the house burning down in my absence, the cats unable to escape the fiery death trap. I would think “I should just…
Death and Life
There was a moment when life was just life, and death was a stranger I knew nothing about. There was a fragment when weekends were just weekends, filled with friends and movies and dinner parties and couples hanging out together. There was a glimpse when laughter was just laughter, and not laughter poisoned with pain and loss. There was a…