Written five months “post Jeff”…. My sister, Kirsten, was lending an ear the other day when I was having a hard time. I was upset about the whole lack of hope and happiness thing. I didn’t know why I should try anymore…with anything. He’s gone. Nothing matters anymore. So I said to her, “Why? Why bother?” She said, “I guess it comes down to…
Widowed Signs from Loved One
Healing Hurts Sometmes
When a friend is sick you hope they will get well soon. If you know someone who has cancer, you might pray fervently for them to be cured. After you’ve had surgery, a friend might call to tell you they hope you will heal quickly, but what about when someone dies. What do we wish then? After Phil’s death I feared getting better. I didn’t want to get…
strange.
gray and black hair, missing teeth, reeking of booze, wearing a shirt that said, “vote no on yes.”the man talked to me about outdated technology while i sat there trying to ignore him staring at the tv, waiting for the results of another election. “what’s your name?” “matt,” i told him. “matthew?” he said, reaching out to shake my hand. “yeah.” he…
Overwhelmed
It happens. A song plays. A breeze brushes past my face. A scene from a movie crosses the screen. I stand in the kitchen for no certain reason. A sunset paints itself across the horizon. Our dog sticks his head out the window. I lay silently in bed.These diminutive things take place, and from head to toe I am overwhelmed with how much I am in love…
Kora
It started with a call from CJ (my brother in law), letting me know that he and Kenzi we’re heading to the hospital to have their baby girl. Rewind to 9 months earlier, it was another dinner and movie night at our home and Kenzi and CJ walked in, stood in the entrance and announced they were pregnant. When the words came out of their mouths, it was…
In My Dreams
Jackie is moving into her new home this week, and so I am filling in for her today. One of our readers commented on this previous post, and after reading it myself I thought I’d share these thoughts once again. I find that every time I read something from the past…I learn a new lesson for the future. The question I am answering today is whether I…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…
Sure of You
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. ‘Pooh?’ he whispered. ‘Yes, Piglet?’ ‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’” -A.A. Milne I’d be lying if there weren’t moments where I begged for a sign, dream, feeling that you were here…around.Like a detective I’d search for clues or…
call me
I haven’t called Jeff’s number in almost two years. In the first few days after he died, I called him repeatedly….apologizing. Wishing I could have saved him. Begging him to come home. His cell phone number is still programmed into the home phone and my cell phone. I will never be able to delete it. If it is on my phone, it seems that he is just…
Merry Memories
This Christmas the veil between where Phil is and where I am seems to be much thinner than in years past. Michelle and I once talked about the “feeling” of knowing our husbands were in the room.Michelle remarked that she wasn’t sure if knowing for sure that Daniel was right there would make her feel better or worse. If he were right next to you,…
Running With Phil
My husband LOVED to run. When we first began dating, he was training for the Los Angeles Marathon. At the time I could not imagine why anyone in their right mind would purposely run 26.2 miles, but as a newly in love girl I willingly accompanied Phil on many training runs. The upside for me was that my job only entailed riding my bike alongside…