not long after the darkness fell upon us, i came up with an arbitrary goal… wear them one day longer than her. but this wasn’t the first time i let some unspoken goal determine my behavior. no, giving myself a personal challenge that eventually becomes a near obsessive compulsive disorder, this is a problem i’ve always had. like that…
Widowed Parenting
I Dreamed a Dream ….
I am happy. Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say …. and mean …. those three words. After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again. After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him. After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown. I. Am. Happy. And yet ……….. there are still moments when a…
The Other Side
I got into a silly argument. I said you can’t protect him. They said yes we can and they said we resent being told we cannot. And after I read those words I dope slapped myself. They are on the other side. They are on the side where sure, sure random “bad” things can happen but to other people. But as parents we can navigate and shield our…
apples and oranges
Although apples and oranges are both fruit, they taste, smell and feel different. They are both round. They are both sweet. But one is crispy and succulent and the other is juicy and zesty. Some similarities but you would never mistake one for the other. When attempting to understand another person’s circumstance we often seek out seemingly similar…
Man’s Best Friend
A little over 6 years ago a tiny bundle of joy joined our family. We went to the pound, looking for a medium-sized short-haired dog…and came home with Osa – a tiny kodiak bear-cub of a dog. The joke was on us when our vet explained that our tiny fur-ball was actually part St. Bernard. She quickly grew into a ginormous hairy beast. I have joked…
Dreaming of Art
I dreamt about him. I was coming out of Pallas and Ezra’s room and he was standing in the hall. “Hi!” I said, thrilled, as if he had come home early from work. And we stood there for a moment, smiling at each other. “Can I touch you?” I asked, for the last time I dreamed about him I had tried to hug him, only to touch cold air before he could tell…
the impending father’s day
It’s actually 3:28 a.m. as I write this. Unpacking from our move and working at the clinic have kept me so busy that I haven’t spent any amount of time ruminating about what thought of loss has most taken up my mind this week. But as I’ve driven to work, opened boxes of photo albums and placed Jeff’s dresser in the corner of the room, the thought…
Hanging with the Guys
Grayson is about to experience his 5th father’s day without his dad. The first few years were okay for him, but it is sort of difficult to get into a holiday like that one without your dad. We made cards, visited the cemetery, ate foods Daniel would have liked, did things he would have liked to do. We tried to celebrate it like we would have in the…
Just A Step Dad
Phil was my second husband, and not the father of my three children. Though not biologically related to my kids, Phil was what I like to think of as their Everyday Dad. After he died my kids were often told, “At least your real Dad didn’t die.” Once in awhile I heard people make the comment, “Oooohhhh, he was their Step-Dad,” as if this revelation…
These Are The Hands
These are the hands of the man who cares for my youngest son. My former suicidal 7 year old. My newly 8 year old. The hands belong to Mark. Mark sees Ezra every Thursday. Mark and Ezra play and Ezra talks to Mark. Ezra says things like: “I’m glad everyone is treating me normal now, only I’m not normal cause I don’t have a dad. and “When my mom…
and then there’s this
Happiness has pervaded my life, before, during and after my time with liz. and since she died, it’s been my friends and family and stranger friends and music and books and travel and writing and memories and photography and baseball and cheeseburgers and beer and this blog and countless other things that have all been huge sources of happiness…
The Little Guy
Summer has started here in Texas and the heat is on. Grayson has started his series of summer camps, and we’re looking forward to our birthday trip over the 4th of July weekend. Ten years old. It’s hard to believe that my little guy will be 10. He was 5 when he lost his dad, and I was so afraid that he’d be permanently damaged by the whole…