So I was gonna try and ignore Father’s Day. It’s Father’s Day and my kids don’t have one. I was gonna just treat it like every other Sunday only….Well last time I tried to run from one of the “big” days, like his anniversary death date, like his birthday, like random days when his loss seems to be around every corner, I get slammed,…
Widowed Parenting
i need more dreams
Written 6 months after Jeff’s death… A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was standing on a bridge looking toward the sea where a fishing boat was coming. I started calling out to it. I was calling Jeff’s name. As it came closer, I could see Jeff standing on the bow waving to me. He jumped off the boat as it was about to go under the bridge and…
one more, just like us.
i met another one. this time, holding a baby just a few days past a month old. she was pregnant when her husband died.she was left in the place that so many of us have found ourselves. but i didn’t know that. not yet. … she smiled when we met, i smiled back, talking to her baby. then she told me. … i should be able to hide my…
There is a Huge Difference …..
…. between a battle and a war. Huge. But unfortunately, when you’re in a war …. there are many, many battles to fight. I am not sure what your beliefs are ….. I don’t think our differing beliefs will matter as I write this. At least I hope they won’t. I write to speak out …. to share my guts with you. All of you. And we all “get IT”…
Ouch! again
Damn them. Damn the U.S. Postal Service for being the excellent trackers they are. And, damn life for it’s ongoing kick in the stomach. It has been 11 months since I moved away from our San Francisco home, in need of a fresh start with as few reminders as possible. It’s been two further moves once settled in San Diego. I didn’t want to spend the…
The Cannonization of Art
This post was prompted by two comments. One by a widow who confessed to me that her husband beat her. She said that she felt so alone because all these widow’s husband’s seemed so perfect and hers was far from it. Two. My oldest son’s conversation with me about his dad. When I asked him what he remembered about a certain situation, he only…
a choice
I spend a lot of time loathing what has “become” of my life. Ruminating over the “before” and “after”. Taking stock of the injustice of losing my beloved so early in my life. Wishing life now was different.But when I imagine having a life that was so dramatically different and without the pain of Jeff’s death and all the repercussions from his…
after.
it’s pure joy to see maddy with her auntie (liz’s sister), the two of them, as close as they would have been if… well, you know. …sometimes it’s the after that defines things, and after everything that’s happened, i’m happy that this she is such a big part of our after.
A.D. – Marking Time After Daniel
I’ve always found it fascinating that much of the world – Christian and non-Christian alike – mark time in a way that acknowledges the existence of Christ. We are currently in the Year of Our Lord (Anno Domini) 2011. Using this same sort of starting point, I have marked the time A.D. (after Daniel) and am currently in the year 6 on this…
Empty Handed
It’s been a rough week. I’ve been an emotional mess, and have felt more vulnerable than I have in months. I don’t really know what brought it on either. I kept looking at the calendar, trying to find some reason, or meaning, behind all the tears I have been shedding this week, but just came up empty handed. Perhaps that’s just it, I feel empty…
guilt and acceptance
First posted 7 months post-widowhood on personal blog I have worried since Jeff’s death that he didn’t know how much I loved him. The stupid things I did and the things I took for granted have weighed so heavily on my mind. I have felt terribly and guilty for the things that I complained about and the issues I thought were important. Since Jeff’s…
a song.
someone reminded me of this song last week. i heard it once back in 2008 (the year my life took me in this direction) and couldn’t listen to it again.until last week. now it’s a comfort. i’m not a songwriter. but. if i could write a song, i would write a song just like this:…