I’m at the bank, not my usual branch. Comments are made about how tall my youngest is. “He’s only 9?” I nod. What I want to do is roll my eyes, and hand her a card that says:“Thank you for noticing that my child is tall. Hopefully he will be a tall man some day. I have trained him to smile and say “Thank you,” even though he has…
Widowed Parenting
11 years ago today….
Last night I tucked in G for a second time. He was struggling to sleep after a large plate of this yummy cake. I lay down next to him on the air mattress which has been his bed for the past few nights (we’re in the UK on vacation and staying with friends for the weekend). I pushed his hair back from his forehead and whispered to him the story of…
Visualizing Change
I just returned from a camping trip with my brother and his family. It was at one of those family RV resorts, where everyone is parked next to each other, row after row. There were activities galore all weekend long, and lots of happy couples, excited kids, proud grandparents, and me.Well, that’s how it felt most of the time. I’m sure that to…
if wishes came true
Written one month after Jeff died in 2008… I overheard Olivia wishing on a fallen eyelash yesterday, “I wish my Daddy would come back.” I tried to get her to ‘tell’ me the wish so I could talk about it with her…the fact that he is never coming back. But she insisted that if she told me, then her wish wouldn’t come true.I so wish he would come…
we’re doing something right.
i got an email from an old friend the other day… at the end she mentioned that she attached a photo that she’d found while cleaning her house.it was a photo of liz and me in college. (i would attach it here, but it’s a pretty awful photo of me). i showed the photo to maddy. “who’s that guy with mommy?” i was blown away. yes, it’s true…
I Had a Nightmare ….
…. last night that Jim came back. I know. A nightmare? It should have been a dream. A wonderful dream. But it wasn’t. He just walked in to our house one day. Three and a half years after his “death” …. he just walked in. In this dream he had been in the Service and I had evidently been notified that he had been killed. I guess they never…
Stuck
I’m feeling indecisive these days. In fact, I wrote a very long post earlier this evening, then decided that it didn’t adequately describe what I was feeling. I decided to leave it on my screen for awhile, then came back and hit delete. There are so many times in my day to day life that I would love to have a do-over. I would love to just…
“Our Struggle”
“We’ve all had our struggles…” And that’s when I stop listening. For her to throw the death of my husband, the life that I lead trying (and failing most of the time) to keep my head above water, for her to lump me in with someone’s divorce, or hospital stay or job loss (well….job loss maybe), for her to insinuate that being a young…
A typical day
I’m trying to keep us steady in this new normal…this Clayton’s normal…and there are some moments where I feel like we are OK, we three. We joke around. We talk about our day. We read and laugh and play. We do chores. We have a routine that ensures we joke and laugh and read and clean and play….….and I am the supreme leader with whom…
“What-Ifs ….
…. get us nowhere.” I’ll type it again. “What ifs get us nowhere.” That’s a direct quote. From my sixteen year old son.He texted that to me the other night, minutes after we’d had a heated exchange of words. He had said some things that I thought were beyond disrespectful. And I told him so. I also told that him that he would never, ever have…
To be continued…..
This picture was taken in 2006 by me…you can see me in the reflection. The headstone is mine, it sits right next to Daniel’s on a hill in Ellinger Texas. It’s in the cemetery next to the church we were married in. I’m sure my family and friends thought I was nuts when I ordered two headstones for our double plot. What did I need a headstone for?…
A Child’s Grief.
I’m writing this on Sunday, Father’s Day. I just returned from visiting my folks, about 2 hours away. It seems that whenever the kids and I visit our extended family, especially on holidays, we end up having a debriefing of our thoughts and emotions on the ride home. Before I start, let me share with you my own reactions to days such as this. I…