It’s almost midnight and she lies in a hospital bed at the all-too-familiar emergency room. Tears emerge as the nurse pushes the needle into her arm – in order to find a “good” vain for the IV. This is the nurse’s second attempt, the first one only producing a puncture that will be sore for days. I stand hopeless next to the bed,…
Widowed Parenting
I Am Not a Mind Reader
…. and I don’t really think I want to be.But it would certainly make some things easier …. relationships, for instance. I wouldn’t have to guess what a certain word is supposed to mean …. or a certain look ….. or the raise of an eyebrow. I wouldn’t have to wonder if all men like this, or hate that ….. or if all widows feel this, or…
Grief Vs Depression
I have been involved in an argument on facebook about “grief” this afternoon (very mature, I know – there were some classic lines that I should send Supa for “shit-people-say-to-widows”).But it actually turned out to be a misunderstanding where the other person had confused grief with depression.To me, grief is something that I live with…
Remembrance Candle
I know the holidays are way over, but I wanted to share a Christmas experience I had with my children, when we lit a candle in remembrance of Lisa. The monthly grief group my girls and I attend has a holiday service where the family lights a candle for the person we are remembering. Our family was not able to make the event this year, but a one…
Crocodiles and other absurdities
I live in our little house physically alone aside from my two young children and our pets. All the belongings in this home are ours and paint a vivid and accurate picture of who is housed within these walls. But if you were to dig deep enough within cupboards and closets, you would items and articles that seemed at odds with these inhabitants and…
Of All The Feelings in The World ….
…. I hate rage the most.Or at least it’s in the top 3.Pity might be number 1.It’s an exhausting emotion and it leads people to make very bad, very poor choices while they are in it. And you mostly feel worse afterwards. Rage has been a regular visitor at my house over the last 2 weeks.I will not bore you with all of the horrid “teenage vs.
Candle-light
I was blind-sided by grief a few times yesterday…..that intense feeling that someone is missing…..that subconscious lightening in my heart when I thought I caught a glimpse of him in the shed before I remembered…..looking at my kids who aren’t supposed to be growing up without their Daddy.I was tired and feeling overwhelmed at the amount of…
Aging Gratefully
Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old, three years older than Phil was when he died six years ago (crazy to think he would be 46 right now!). My first birthday without him I remember wishing time could just stand still. I didn’t want to age without him;I didn’t want to celebrate being alive with birthday songs and presents; and I didn’t want to…
Is It Just Me ….
…. or does anyone else ever feel like moving away and starting over? From everyone that knew them “before” …. and from all of those friends who can’t seem to see you as anything but “different” ….. and it all seems to get worse as time goes on? I have now passed the 4 year mark. This is my life. I am no longer married. I am single. I get…
Speaking to the Ghost of Christmas Past
The day Phil died, my world was irrevocably changed. No amount of crying, wishing, or begging could switch my new reality back to the reality of what seems like only moments ago. The first Christmas without him, I sat on the coach alone watching the kids open gifts that only I chose, purchased, wrapped, and stowed under the tree…barely able to…
Cheers!
I’ll start today with a few toasts to the holidays! Cheers! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! and drum roll please…..Death still Sucks! Two more days til Christmas, and as usual….I’m not ready yet. I still have a shopping list, I’ve still not wrapped my gifts, and I haven’t watched all the movies I want to see or drank all the eggnog in the…
A Date By Any Other Name ….
(Post pre-explanation & warning: I wrote this post for my personal blog …. on Sunday, the 18th, the 4th year date of Jim’s death. This date, this year, was no easier for me than the previous 3. I still cried. I still wished that I were the one who was not left behind. I am still crying, and I think I may forever be wishing. And yet…