I am sitting upstairs in the bedroom… the morning light streaming through the window. Only today, I’m not upstairs in my own room, but at Mike’s place. He’s downstairs getting the morning started while I get my post done. I got in last night, and it’s the first morning here. The first time I have ever been here. I’m a little overwhelmed, I’ll…
Widowed Milestones
Come and Take It
And so just like that… I am about to put in an application on a rental house in Ohio. What? How the hell did this happen? It was only weeks ago that Mike and I sat down and had a serious talk about the idea of me moving up there… if I did, how would we do this? I decided, after having lived with Drew’s parents since he died, I need to get a…
Back When My Heart Was Pure
In the beginning, in the first edges of my grief, my heart felt like an open wound, and in the midst of the pain and shock of those first few days and months after the death of my husband, there was little I could do to close it. My heart was open to the world. I didn’t have the energy or the wherewithal to shut it down, to protect it, to…
Walking the Path Where the Ghost Cows Live
It is the middle of August, and it feels as if the warmth of summer has left us, though we never really had a summer, here in England, this year. Already the air is ripe with the smell of harvest: the spiky, purple thistle flowers have morphed into white milk pods, their silky seeds floating into the sky with the slightest hint of wind, the sloping…
The Anger isn’t as Important as the Love
Last weekend I attended the wedding of one of my husband’s closest friends. This happened to fall on the second anniversary of his funeral, and a week after his anniversary. I always knew it was going to be a difficult time. I knew it would hurt and bring up all kinds of triggers, sad thoughts and memories. But somehow, despite knowing…
An Unexpected Reason to Smile
Yesterday marked the two year anniversary of the day I lost my husband to depression. It’s the hardest day of the year for me. I miss him always and there are obviously times that are harder than others, like our wedding anniversary, Christmas and birthdays. However while those days bring sadness, it’s his death anniversary that has me…
Second Year Milestones… and Counting
This coming Friday will be the second anniversary of my husband’s suicide. Two years. I can’t believe I made it this far. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve kissed his sweet face and felt his hand in mine. I can’t believe a whole 24 months of my life has passed since that day I lost my innocence and saw first-hand that the…
Third Time Round
I’m into year four…Sunday marked the third anniversary of Ian’s passing. And like all other anniversaries so far this year, it wasn’t too bad. There was some sadness which I didn’t have with the other significant dates, but it wasn’t overwhelming, and was shared with friends of ours from church. I had no anxiety which I’ve had with…
From Three Years
This weekend marks three years since that terrible day. Three years since I lost my best friend and the love of my life. Suddenly. Without warning. I have also now lived the same amount of time without him as I shared with him… and going forward will mean increasing that gap. I remember dreading this day constantly through the first year. I…
My Husband, My Blessing
This has been an emotional week for me. Tuesday would have been our second wedding anniversary and as I looked back at the stunning photographs of our beautiful day, my heart was filled with a complicated mixture of happiness and sorrow. Over the past few months, I’ve been doing such a good job of living in the ‘now’ that I haven’t made…
It’s June
That means my anniversary run… The 4th marks 4 years since our wedding day. The 11th marks 6 years since we met The 14th marks 3 years since Ian died. Come the 18th, he’ll have been gone loner than I knew him.I was talking to some people at church this week, and found I can easily rattle off how long it’s been since Ian died, but I really…
Forgetting the Pieces
Tonight is opening night of the theater show at Adelphi University that I have been directing and writing for the past month. I am unbelievably proud of this show, it is hilarious and even poignant in parts, and of course I am missing my husband like mad right now. I want him here for this. I want him to be standing there after the first show ends,…