i dislike them. i always have (and i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned that here before).but i do these things for maddy, mostly because her mom loved them, and partially because i can remember what it was like to be a kid before high school brought on my cynicism and jaded me beyond repair. anyway, on saturday brooke and i took maddy to see santa…
Widowed Holidays
the wishlist
My children are aware that Christmas is in 23 days. Already they are making their preparations for the big day. Snow flakes already adore most of the windows in our house, our advent calendar is hanging above the fireplace and letters to Santa are ready to post. After ruminating long and hard over what she would write, my eight year old daughter,…
It Took
It took 3 years to do it. 3 years to put up the Christmas tree. The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy. I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.After he died, the season and everything it meant died…
things.
one by one, with each trip to minnesota, they started to appear. new to me. new to maddy,but obviously only new to the two of us. first it was the bucket of crayons. then the silk pillow and matching silk blanket. then the baton with the water and green glitter inside. this trip? a plastic doll house and all the accessories that belonged inside. no…
Bitter Sweet ….
…. is the word I use to describe the upcoming Holidays now. Not as sucky as they’ve been (I hope), nor as sweet as they used to be. Jim died exactly one week before Christmas. Three weeks before his birthday.My “death march” begins right before Thanksgiving, as I remember where we were that year, what we were doing, how unsuspecting we all were.
How to be Thankful.
I just returned home from dinner out with the kids. It’s a nice rainy night, and we were all so warm and cozy inside the restaurant. It was the usual mix of merriment, and frustration, with us trying to have a good time, yet my daughter and I having to sit through the boys’ ongoing bickering. I shouldn’t be too surprised, as I don’t think I…
Wise Ass Widow
My Halloween Costume Guess what I am. Art was in my head all day saying, “Babe, don’t say anything. Let them figure it out.” But that is not me. So here’s a hint. I am a certain kind of spider! I am a certain kind of widow!…
One baby step at a time…
Well it has happened. Another year has passed. I survived it. This time last year I was lamenting 40 and how impossible it was that I was alive at 40 while Daniel was forever 35. I still feel that angst…he’s 35 and each year I grow older in spite of it. I remember thinking I couldn’t possibly live another year without him…how is it possible…
happy birthday.
it wasn’t the kind of birthday celebration i would have chosen, for her but then there’s very little about this situation that either one of us would have.but after three of them without her this was by far the best. not because i’m over what happened or because i’ve moved on (i prefer the phrase, “moving through,” implying an active process vs.
26
This Sunday will mark my baby’s 26th birthday….or 4th birthday in heaven. However you want to look at it. Birthday’s we’re always such a happy time but even three years later, the angst of certain holidays never weaken with time.I remember when I had my 23rd birthday…I had officially lived longer then my soul mate. Though that birthday was hard…
Acts Of Faith
Friday, August 27th I put Langston and Pallas on a bus today to attend Camp Erin, a weekend camp for grieving kids. I drive away before the bus does. And on the 10 heading west, in traffic (thankfully) I cry. Putting them on a bus is…an Act of Faith. Faith that they will come back to me. Faith that I will not have to go and identify their crushed…
#10 for G
Ten years ago my little guy came unexpectedly into the world. He was six weeks early, our house was not quite finished with a last minute remodel, and I had been hanging sheet rock the day before….yes, I know this sounds like a bad idea. :)Ten years later, I have the good fortune to be the mother of a fabulous little guy (or not so little, he’s…