It’s time to be brutally honest and up front with all of you. Proceed with caution. Before I write this confession, I must also confess that there’s no way that I believe I am alone in this. And that is why I decided to write about it.I have wanted to die. No shock there, right? We’ve all felt that desire. But for me, there have been more than just…
Widowed Emotions
My Running Identity
There were a number of athletic activities that Phil introduced me to during our marriage. He loved all things outdoors, he especially loved risky sports, fast cars, and physically challenging tasks. Our vacations always included exercise related activities in beautiful locations, and we would regularly spend several hours a day hiking, biking, or…
A Blank Face
Phil loved watches. When he died I think there were at least ten assorted time pieces stored in various places around the house. Several work watches were stored inside his nightstand, four more called his sports cabinet in the garage home, and he stashed his ‘nice’ watches inside his top dresser drawer. He rarely left the house without a watch…
Even the Vet
Over the past four years I have become accustomed to filling in the blanks on various forms…marital status, spouse’s name and date of birth, person to contact in case of emergency, etcetera, etcetera. In fact, if you asked me a few days ago, I would have told you that while filling out forms still annoys me I have learned to manage my feelings…
Can She Fix It? Yes, She Can!
This is a picture of Grayson and I waiting for Amtrak to take us to Disneyland almost 4 years ago. If you look closely, you can see Daniel’s reflection in the glass behind us. He’s taking the picture. I didn’t realize until he was already gone that his reflection was captured in the photo, and he looks for all the world like a ghost, sort of…
The Death March
I dread deathiversaries, with my whole soul, as my daughter would say. This dread is instinctual, and has nothing to do with how happy I am in my current life. The creeping feeling of impending doom sneaks up on me at the same time every year, and at odd times when I am distracted by nostalgia or lost in a happy memory. Sometimes the feeling of…
I’m Fighting
Michael and I fought….or as I called it….debated, over who took the trash out or burned whose clothes ironing. The minute…the small things. But out of those small things, simple and silly things, I found the most important thing to fight for… And that is our love.After losing Michael, I did not fathom the amount of adversity that comes…
Dancing Lessions
I have always felt like a flunky on the dance floor. At my college roommate’s wedding an elderly man (he was probably the age I am now) asked me to dance. I politely said that I did not know how to dance but he insisted that it was simple and all that I needed was to follow his lead. Ignoring my protests, he grabbed me, leaving me little choice.
Our Mountain
I remember when I was able to trust with everything in me. Trust God. Have faith. I knew I was blessed… Our lives were difficult, yes, but it was good. When the rug was pulled from under me I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever reach that place again. The place where faith was second nature and trusting was never a question. David and I used to…
Aching
This morning was the first day of school for my boys. I went to work very early; then planned to get back in time to make them breakfast and make sure they were set for the day. As I was driving home from work, I started to feel it. The dull ache. The one that began on the first day of school four years ago.That day was much like today. I went to…
Counting the Months
When Jim and I were PK (pre-kids) we used to laugh at parents who gave their children’s ages in weeks or months. Jim thought it was ridiculous that a person would say “8 weeks” instead of 2 1/2 months …. or better yet …. why not just round it down or up to 2 or 3 months. And then …. there were the parents who’d say a child was 20 months. We’d…
Not Quite Good Enough
Ah yes, the List of Requirements…it sounds so very like something out of Hogwarts, and in fact the original list Michele described yesterday was crafted by a couple of witches for certain! I do have to admit to a sense of shame after reviewing the first list, were we really so shallow? No, we weren’t. But the first list was written as a…