5 weeks agotoday.things were perfect.healthy, happy family.11 minutes after 3:00pmon that same day,my worldfell apart.since then,lots of sadness.lots of happiness.but mostly sadness.liz’sdeathhas reallyfucked me up.people keep asking,“how are you coping?”multiple answers:“i just am.”“by talking to people.”“the kindness of…
Widowed Emotions
I Didn’t Sign Up For This …..
… but then, neither did you, right? It’s been one of those weeks … and it’s not even half way over yet! I am totally sick of being a single parent. I’m tired of having to do all of this on my own when I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing a lot of the time. Teenage boys?? That was supposed to be Jim’s job. I handled the girls and their…
Musical Monday
Much of the music that spoke to me right after Phil’s death was important because the lyrics articulated feelings I was incapable of expressing. Even now, after writing countless words about my journey through the loss of my husband, there are times when nothing communicates my inner turmoil like the phrases penned by someone else. When I first…
The End Comes
April 12, 2009 Art is back in the hospital.Friday was when it happened. Low white blood cells, he started a fever.Today, Sunday, yes. That is the day today.He has viral menengitis.He’s … no words to describe. They are giving him support (drugs), helping it to leave his body.It could take 24 hours.It could take a week.I would say I am scared,…
Why?
Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motiveNow we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.”Why him?”, “Why me?”,”Why us?”, “Why so young?”, “Why…
the hardest part
As a widow with young children, the worst thing about parenting now is NOT watching fathers whirl their delighted little girls around in the air or push their little boys on the swings. It is NOT arriving to your child’s dance recital alone and wishing that someone was there to experience the joy and pride with you. It is NOT that you are now…
why I wear her ring
forgot to mentionwhat happenedwhen i went to the doctor with madeline, a woman sitting next to meon the phone, talking very loudly(to a presumably disinterested party)about nothing.when she hung up, she turned to me(with madeline in a carseat on my lap, anya to my right)and said, “are you wearing your wife’s rings because they don’t fit…
It’s a Matter of Perspective ….
I was talking to someone the other day about the change in my perspective on things. Many things have changed in my life and in my mind since December 18, 2007. The biggest thing that has changed is my sense of fear. It seems that I don’t have one. I wonder if it will come back?I think that I’ve suffered the worst loss a human can suffer …. half…
Insert Soul Mate
After traveling the last 18 hours, I have arrived home! Ireland was amazing and lived up to all of my dreams and expectations (though I had set none). From Cork to the Wicklow mountains, I compiled a dictionaries worth of memories.With each new locale I’m blessed enough to see, I capture some of the best shots through the lens of my camera that…
Ready or Not?
I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn’t miss dating; I didn’t long for freedom; I didn’t feel limited; I didn’t fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I…
50 Days Before His Death
These posts are from February 2009, all within 50 days of his death and my second beginning. February 18, 209 Happy Birthday to Art 58 Days Before His DeathArt’s Birthday Bash February 18, 2009 THANK YOU for making it a great day!!!!!!! Gifts the kids gave Art thought up by themselves! Pallas: A scale, so “Daddy can see how much weight he’s…
My Other Car is a Porsche
You know those bumper stickers that say things like, “My Other Car is a Porsche?” The implication is that the driver isn’t quite satisfied with their real car and that they have a much nicer one parked at home. I can appreciate this sentiment.My “other car” is my other life—the one I was supposed to be living right now complete with a…