I, like Michelle, have not thought a lot about my future. It seems to be a very fuzzy grey fog out there somewhere (but hey, it used to be an inky black fog so here’s to the color getting lighter!). But recently, I have caught myself thinking about it. Even making a plan or two. And then I’ll realize what I’m doing and stop ….. and be amazed.The…
Widowed Emotions
Lordy look who’s 40….
Next week is my 40th, hard to believe really. Forty has an odd significance for me. I met my husband when I was 16. When he proposed to me at 22 (we reunited after a couple of years of not seeing each other in college), I remember him telling me I was beautiful….BUT….. Beautiful but what?? “Beautiful”, he said, “but I know you’ll be stunning…
Experiencing
Doing things that Michael and I would have enjoyed together was once unthinkable. “If he’s not here to enjoy them then I shouldn’t” was a philosophy that was stuck in my brain the first months after his passing.With time though, I realized that that was not doing myself or what Michael had taught me any justice. Little by little I dipped my toes…
Expired
I just received a notice from the Fictitious Business Name Renewal Center. Apparently Phil’s fictitious business name will expire if he doesn’t pay the $125 fee before September 28, 2009. Somehow I don’t think the check will arrive in time. Seems this company has no record of Phil’s death. The fact that there could be any organization left that I…
This, Too, Shall Pass ….
It’s time to be brutally honest and up front with all of you. Proceed with caution. Before I write this confession, I must also confess that there’s no way that I believe I am alone in this. And that is why I decided to write about it.I have wanted to die. No shock there, right? We’ve all felt that desire. But for me, there have been more than just…
My Running Identity
There were a number of athletic activities that Phil introduced me to during our marriage. He loved all things outdoors, he especially loved risky sports, fast cars, and physically challenging tasks. Our vacations always included exercise related activities in beautiful locations, and we would regularly spend several hours a day hiking, biking, or…
A Blank Face
Phil loved watches. When he died I think there were at least ten assorted time pieces stored in various places around the house. Several work watches were stored inside his nightstand, four more called his sports cabinet in the garage home, and he stashed his ‘nice’ watches inside his top dresser drawer. He rarely left the house without a watch…
Even the Vet
Over the past four years I have become accustomed to filling in the blanks on various forms…marital status, spouse’s name and date of birth, person to contact in case of emergency, etcetera, etcetera. In fact, if you asked me a few days ago, I would have told you that while filling out forms still annoys me I have learned to manage my feelings…
Can She Fix It? Yes, She Can!
This is a picture of Grayson and I waiting for Amtrak to take us to Disneyland almost 4 years ago. If you look closely, you can see Daniel’s reflection in the glass behind us. He’s taking the picture. I didn’t realize until he was already gone that his reflection was captured in the photo, and he looks for all the world like a ghost, sort of…
The Death March
I dread deathiversaries, with my whole soul, as my daughter would say. This dread is instinctual, and has nothing to do with how happy I am in my current life. The creeping feeling of impending doom sneaks up on me at the same time every year, and at odd times when I am distracted by nostalgia or lost in a happy memory. Sometimes the feeling of…
I’m Fighting
Michael and I fought….or as I called it….debated, over who took the trash out or burned whose clothes ironing. The minute…the small things. But out of those small things, simple and silly things, I found the most important thing to fight for… And that is our love.After losing Michael, I did not fathom the amount of adversity that comes…
Dancing Lessions
I have always felt like a flunky on the dance floor. At my college roommate’s wedding an elderly man (he was probably the age I am now) asked me to dance. I politely said that I did not know how to dance but he insisted that it was simple and all that I needed was to follow his lead. Ignoring my protests, he grabbed me, leaving me little choice.