I am crying tonight, because Joan Rivers has died.I did not know her. I have never met her. She was not my friend. But something, many things actually, about her, resonated with me – and so I felt this unspoken kinship with her. Female. Comedian. Widow. Those are all me. Those are all Joan. As a woman, I identified with and respected like hell her…
Widowed Emotions
Simple Words
I don’t really have any words this week. I miss my husband more than any words can convey. The more time passes, the more months go by, the more deeply embedded his absence from my life becomes. If I were to write a full blog this week, it would consist of I miss you, I miss you, I miss you over and over and over again.It would be written to my…
My Own Worst Enemy
I feel like I’ve been in a rut for more than a month now, since Dan’s first anniversary. I’ve had days here and there where I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it, but in general, the pain has been very deep and the ache for him, overwhelming. The grief has been so relentless that it’s started messing with my head and making me…
I hate to ask…. again
Saturday morning I woke up with a 103 temperature. So as soon as a reasonable hour hit, I called my parents, asking if they could look after John for the day. On short notice.Again.Yet another thing I hate about widowhood. That sometimes you need to call on assistance to the point where you KNOW it’s impacting others. Maybe asking…
Inversions
I felt safe with Chuck. Emotionally. Physically. Every way. I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it. I felt protected in a way I’d never felt in my first marriage. My well-being was first and foremost in his mind. His military training was in his blood and he’d run through “what if” situations with me so that I could…
Robin Williams and The Door
As heartbroken as I am about the death of Robin Williams, I am not entirely shocked. Not entirely. I recall about 4 or 5 months ago maybe, seeing him as a guest on some late night talk show. (cannot remember which one) I remember distinctly thinking to myself that he looked exhausted, withdrawn, and old. Not old in the way that he got gray hair…
Shhhhhhh
Shhhh… You can’t see me. I am an amorphous spirit living within the physical body of the woman I used to be. I’m not really here. The mute button has been activated and what you (the world) sees is a woman who wears a lot of pink, who drives a pink car, towing a pink-trimmed trailer around the country. Perhaps, I think to myself, this pink, my…
Wow, What a Widow Brain
I had intended to write about the crappiness of turning 40 over the weekend as a widow. How much I wish Ian was here to mark this milestone, and because he’s not, I had no real desire to celebrate or really mark the occasion. But have friends insisting that I do so (so compromised with a very expensive dinner for a small group of friends). But then…
Yes You
to those of us left behind standing amidst the ashes that remain atop the skeletons of our lives and ourselves. to those of us left behind who struggle with unseeing eyes blinded by grief and limbs made heavy with exhaustion and shattered souls uncertain about…everything.to those of us left behind who must learn to live in the without and open…
What now?
My brain is still more disorganized than it was before Dave died. I marvel in an almost morbid way, at the dementia-like symptoms I still exhibit. They’d be funny if they weren’t so embarrassing and worrisome. I wish I could laugh them off but I feel shame about them. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m in a state of mild…
Shadow Boxing~
Caves and shadows and darkness and not being able to see around you. It could be frightening. Or it could be maybe okay.We live in a hurry up culture and we live in a culture where you’re supposed to be happy and positive and everything is feel good. With an occasional momentary break for a worldwide tragedy but life gets very quickly back…
Avoidance
Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian’s death by overloading myself with work and study.And I’m still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who’s poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.But now I find I’m avoiding going back into the workforce. I…