I’ve been thinking the past few days about Kelley’s Friday post. She talked about how people treat us when widowed, and the frustrations of often being treated like a five year old or misunderstood in some way. Or how people begin to act differently again once you find new love. That one I can definitely attest to. I wrote to her, saying how it…
Widowed Emotions
My Husband Died, And I Am Not A Child
Have you ever felt as if, since losing your partner or spouse to death, the outside world treats you like you are a child? Perhaps I am just extra sensitive lately, or maybe I am slightly resentful that I’m a 46 year old woman who had no choice but to move in with her parents after 5 years alone of struggling financially post-loss. Whatever the…
Make Your Past
What do I think about on these Tuesday mornings, 3 ½ years after Megan died? It’s a question that I generally ask myself on the way into work, in preparation for publishing some kind of anecdote, observation, or predicament here on Soaring Spirits, in the hopes that a person will read and experience a “me too” or “oh wow, I never thought…
Smile
He loved my smile. And, let me tell you, I smiled a lot because of him. I loved my life – when he was in it. I wore my smile like a permanent accessory because my life was beautiful. Our joy permeated the air around us. Our laughter echoed off every one near us. Our words to one another were always heartfelt. We looked at each other with a…
Fearing More Loss
Death has been on my mind a lot the past week, and I don’t even know why. There haven’t been any major milestones or triggers. No birthdays of people who are dead. No death anniversaries. No real explanation, yet I’ve been unable to shake these shadowy figures in my mind. The haunting things I know will one day happen to more people I love.
Joy Seeker
I have always looked for Joy. I search for it everywhere I go. Seeking Joy is like a treasure hunt; except, in this case, I don’t have a map. Honestly, I don’t mind the lack of navigational tools because I have grown used to hurling myself into the unknown since he died. With practice, I have become accustom to feeling lost. Now, I am…
Sleepless Nights
I don’t have them very often, but last night was a pretty sleepless night. My mind was going. I couldn’t seem to quiet it. Usually I can put on a podcast and be out in ten minutes… but every now and then I find myself listening to an entire podcast, and then another, barely managing to doze off at all… Even though nowadays, my sleep is…
My Husband Died and All I Got Was This Lousy Book
In July of 2011, my husband died, and I died too. Well, that version of me died. About an hour after his death, after I had made the phone calls to immediate family and a few close friends – from a random bathroom inside the ER part of the hospital, sitting on the toilet after having just thrown up from shock – I sent my first Facebook status…
In a Frozen World
My fiance died in 2012. In the spring of 2014, I began creating a photographic series about my grief, called “Still, Life”… sharing weekly self portraits that captured my pain, hope, confusion, anger and everything else that comes along with grief. I worked on this series for about a year, creating 40 haunting, hopeful, honest images… with each…
The Fact of the Matter
The fact of the matter is, I’m a 37 year old widower. By most standards, it’s quite unique. I wasn’t married to someone in a high-risk career. Megan wasn’t in her seventies, hell, she barely made it into her thirties. Statistically, I’m much more likely to be divorced than widowed at my age. The fact of the matter is,…
The Colors of Love
I was talking with a friend the other day about new love after being widowed and it got me reflecting on the idea. I ended up describing to her how my fiance and my now boyfriend are like two different colors of love. I really liked this idea the more I thought about it… There is no color in the spectrum that is better or worse, more or less,…
Home & The Heart
I’ve written about it quite a few times these past few years, but moving across the country really did a number on me. I don’t think – scratch that – I KNOW I was in no way prepared for how difficult it would be to leave Texas. I have a love affair with my state that runs very deep. I have gone through some of the hardest but most meaningful…