A family friend recently asked my sister how I was doing, and then seemed surprised when she replied that I’m still very sad a lot of the time and cry often. It got me thinking, if I don’t regularly remind the world that I’m missing Dan and still grieving him, will they assume I’ve ‘finished’ or was past that ‘phase’? In the months after his death…
Widowed Emotions
Next and Next and Stop
Mostly, I stay in the here and now. Who can bear to even imagine 24 hours from now? So I focus my eyes right in front of me, the next step, the next mile. 18 months and a couple weeks since Chuck’s death and I still look down at my feet to see where they are and I stay there. Mostly. I’m in Key West right now, with my daughter, as I…
Checking Out
I have known for a while I suffer from widow brain. Can’t find my keys, barely remember what day it is or what my name is. I have looked for my car keys for twenty minutes only to find they were in my hand.. the whole time. I have to set reminders in my phone from things like taking my sleeping pill to grab my lunch out of the fridge before…
Phobia
Before he died, Dave had to be hospitalized a couple times. Once for an attack of pancreatitis and once for a strange flu-like illness that kept him very ill for over 2 weeks. Each incidence, separated by years, brought about my complete unhinging. Just the thought of Dave having an illness serious enough to send him to urgent care several times,…
Seasons
The change in the air from humid to crisp, warm to slightly cool – puts a loud ringing bell on your death – as I ready myself for my birthday, then your birthday, Halloween, our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, our proposal anniversary, Christmas, and then ringing in another new year without you. This time of year filled with holidays and family…
Without-ness
This is what I wonder. And I wonder this even though my career was in grief support and I led groups and replied to this very same wondering from so many people who graced my groups. Will I ever feel engaged in life again? Will I ever find passion for life again? And energy? Will I ever not feel that I am living without him and therefore I just…
The Joan Effect
I am crying tonight, because Joan Rivers has died.I did not know her. I have never met her. She was not my friend. But something, many things actually, about her, resonated with me – and so I felt this unspoken kinship with her. Female. Comedian. Widow. Those are all me. Those are all Joan. As a woman, I identified with and respected like hell her…
Simple Words
I don’t really have any words this week. I miss my husband more than any words can convey. The more time passes, the more months go by, the more deeply embedded his absence from my life becomes. If I were to write a full blog this week, it would consist of I miss you, I miss you, I miss you over and over and over again.It would be written to my…
My Own Worst Enemy
I feel like I’ve been in a rut for more than a month now, since Dan’s first anniversary. I’ve had days here and there where I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it, but in general, the pain has been very deep and the ache for him, overwhelming. The grief has been so relentless that it’s started messing with my head and making me…
I hate to ask…. again
Saturday morning I woke up with a 103 temperature. So as soon as a reasonable hour hit, I called my parents, asking if they could look after John for the day. On short notice.Again.Yet another thing I hate about widowhood. That sometimes you need to call on assistance to the point where you KNOW it’s impacting others. Maybe asking…
Inversions
I felt safe with Chuck. Emotionally. Physically. Every way. I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it. I felt protected in a way I’d never felt in my first marriage. My well-being was first and foremost in his mind. His military training was in his blood and he’d run through “what if” situations with me so that I could…
Robin Williams and The Door
As heartbroken as I am about the death of Robin Williams, I am not entirely shocked. Not entirely. I recall about 4 or 5 months ago maybe, seeing him as a guest on some late night talk show. (cannot remember which one) I remember distinctly thinking to myself that he looked exhausted, withdrawn, and old. Not old in the way that he got gray hair…