Today an exciting milestone has happened for me. One that runs deep, and is stitched with so many remnants of a past life and of every day since that I’ve fought for. Today I was accepted to be a contributor for a major photography agency that works in the book publishing industry. They work with publishing houses all over the world to help them…
Widowed Emotions
Malbec
Since you died I feel like I am masquerading in someone else’s life. The likelihood of outliving you was always in the back of my mind, but it wasn’t something that I prepared for because I naively thought we had “the rest of our lives” ahead of us. I honestly thought that we had at least twenty more years together. And, because I blindly…
Coffee with Missing Pieces
There I was, at a coffee shop downtown last Wednesday afternoon. I was sitting beside a large window enjoying the rain tapping against the glass as I did some work on my computer, when suddenly my awareness was completely shifted. In that instant, I felt a deep, emptiness that was both piercing and aching at the same time. A screaming hollowness…
Why I Smile
I often get told, “you’re always smiling” or “you smile a lot.” It’s meant in a positive way of course but I can’t help but reflect on it. A year ago, I might have felt guilty for being told I’m smiling. I had questioned whether I was allowed to feel happy after such a loss and if I was happy, just how happy I was allowed to be. I…
Strong on Your Love
I am tired of trying to be – ‘not sad’. I am exhausted from the aching in my heart. I am weary from recognizing Joy everywhere, All around me, And, still feeling hollow inside, I am aware of all the good in my life, My heart is grateful for what I have. So, I ask myself again and again, Why isn’t it enough? Why isn’t my life enough – without…
100% Chance of Rain
A few weeks ago, a milestone came that I have dreaded for a very long time. It’s odd to say that, considering it was my anniversary with someone I love very much. But it wasn’t just any anniversary. It was the third year since the day Mike and I met. The third anniversary was also the last I got to have with Drew… he died six days later,…
Facade
Photo credit: opticalillusionphotos.blogspot.ca It’s been almost fifteen months since Mike died and people around me presume that I am adjusting to life without him. With no experience to draw on, most people believed that the bereaved heal with time. As you know, this is not completely correct. Grief is an active process. With every…
The Dance
When Grief comes, Take her in your arms and dance with her. Don’t resist. Fall into her. Move and sway in time with her. Hold her carefully. Then, when the music is over, Look her in the eyes and thank her for the dance. Source: pinterest Maybe the words are too kitschy. Maybe this image of Grief is overly sentimental and…
Call Me if You Need ANYTHING
Up until about age 30 or so, I was a fairly social creature. I made friends easily, whether it be through work, spending weekends in the woods with groups, or wrenching on cars. Through my twenties, not only did Megan and I make “couples” friends, but I had my own as well. Friends that Megan appreciated herself, but really, they were…
Clearing the Debris
While we were down in my hometown last week for a wedding, we managed to get out for a few hours one morning to make the drive out to Rockport. If you’ll recall, this little coastal town got the brunt of hurricane Harvey last year. I will never forget sitting in bed at 2am, watching the TV in horror from 1400 miles away as one of my favorite…
Dormant Memories
If you’ve read Sarah’s Post this past Sunday, then you are aware that she and I (and Shelby) were in Corpus Christi, Texas, over an extended weekend. One of her longest and closest friends was marrying, and Sarah herself was a bridesmaid. In that regards, I wasn’t a widower this past weekend. I was the “second partner” of a widow.
Off Kilter
My memories of Mike echo off the walls of the house, yet the silence in my home is deafening. Everything is quiet now. Death makes your whole world go silent. I think this is by design. We need this noiseless environment and solitude to contemplate how we will re-create ourselves. As we do the work of re-defining our identity we need to…