It still shocks me how totally ignorant I was about the grieving process before having to go through it myself. I’ve been at this for ten months, as of today, and I still don’t really understand it. All I know is one minute I can be laughing at a joke; or smiling at strangers as I walk down the street; or excitedly making plans for a holiday; or…
Widowed by Suicide
An Anchor in a Rough Sea
Widow’s Voice is a unique blog. Our writers write about widowed life as it is being lived. Which means that whenever each of our courageous authors sit down to write a post they don’t have the answers to the questions they pose; they don’t know how what the next twist in their own story will be, and after baring their souls with each post, they…
Suicide Widow
I am filling in for Amanda today. The current heat wave has knocked out her power! Amanda stay cool (get it?!) and I will try to stay warm! Recently I have had a lot of suicide widows reach out to me on Widow’s Voice and facebook. “I have no one to talk to, I have no one that gets it. I can’t talk about the suicide to my friends or…
“And Then..” Part 2
Well friends… my time has come. I am retiring from widow’s voice. Today is my last blog. I’ve been thinking about quitting for a couple of months now. I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to quit something that has always brought me such relief and peace. While talking to a friend about not writing anymore, he said “The…
Happy Birthday Seth
Today is my husband’s birthday. He would have been 35 years old. This day has been creeping up on me since Halloween. I found myself having to count backwards to remember just how old my husband would have been. When I realized he would have been 35 I laughed. I laughed because he would have been “old”. I was thinking about what…
Stigma
This week I had an eye opening conversation. I was talking with a co-worker and Seth’s death came up. She asked me how I am doing with it all and I could only come up with “It sucks. It hurts really bad. It really really sucks.” She then said “Melinda, I just don’t get it. You are such an amazing person. Seth’s suicide makes no…
Saying Goodbye.. Again
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my dog being diagnosed with cancer (I wrote about it here) Tuesday, the day after my birthday I had to kill put my best friend to sleep. I am in shock. I am devastated. Three weeks after his diagnoses he went from being fine to not eating and his eyes rolling back in his head. Nine years and one day after my…
Being kicked
I’ve been struggling with my dog, Clifford. He had a shoulder injury that seemed to be getting better thanks to the vet and pain medication. Monday I got up at 3:30am to go to work and I couldn’t find Clifford. After searching the house, I found him sitting in the bathtub just staring at the wall. Not laying down, just staring. He wouldn’t even…
Survivor’s Guilt
A couple of weeks ago I traveled to California to spend time with my best friend. On one of the days I was there we went to tour a winery. The winery was so beautiful. Of course the wine was amazing. The day was filled with love and laughter. On the drive back to our hotel I was looking out the window.. taking in the beauty around me. …
Silver Lining
I made the mistake of going through mine and Seth’s old emails. He was in school full time. I worked a desk job. So we both sat in front of a computer all day.. and emailed each other during slow times. I have a million emails between us. Which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I came a crossed an email that reminded me of right…
Insomnia
Ugh. Insomnia. We have been enemies friends for six very long years. I have tried sleeping pills. I have tried everything natural. I’ve tried having a normal routine. I’ve tried to not let myself lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for longer than 30 minutes before I get up and read, take a hot shower, attempt something to help me sleep. …
Selfish
I’ve been meaning to write this blog.. but I have been processing it. A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date (gasps). During the course of dinner, the topic of how my husband died came up. My date started talking about how selfish suicide is and how I live in the past by “celebrating” my husband’s death every year. I sat…