Well friends… my time has come. I am retiring from widow’s voice. Today is my last blog. I’ve been thinking about quitting for a couple of months now. I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to quit something that has always brought me such relief and peace. While talking to a friend about not writing anymore, he said “The…
Widowed by Suicide
Happy Birthday Seth
Today is my husband’s birthday. He would have been 35 years old. This day has been creeping up on me since Halloween. I found myself having to count backwards to remember just how old my husband would have been. When I realized he would have been 35 I laughed. I laughed because he would have been “old”. I was thinking about what…
Stigma
This week I had an eye opening conversation. I was talking with a co-worker and Seth’s death came up. She asked me how I am doing with it all and I could only come up with “It sucks. It hurts really bad. It really really sucks.” She then said “Melinda, I just don’t get it. You are such an amazing person. Seth’s suicide makes no…
Saying Goodbye.. Again
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my dog being diagnosed with cancer (I wrote about it here) Tuesday, the day after my birthday I had to kill put my best friend to sleep. I am in shock. I am devastated. Three weeks after his diagnoses he went from being fine to not eating and his eyes rolling back in his head. Nine years and one day after my…
Being kicked
I’ve been struggling with my dog, Clifford. He had a shoulder injury that seemed to be getting better thanks to the vet and pain medication. Monday I got up at 3:30am to go to work and I couldn’t find Clifford. After searching the house, I found him sitting in the bathtub just staring at the wall. Not laying down, just staring. He wouldn’t even…
Survivor’s Guilt
A couple of weeks ago I traveled to California to spend time with my best friend. On one of the days I was there we went to tour a winery. The winery was so beautiful. Of course the wine was amazing. The day was filled with love and laughter. On the drive back to our hotel I was looking out the window.. taking in the beauty around me. …
Silver Lining
I made the mistake of going through mine and Seth’s old emails. He was in school full time. I worked a desk job. So we both sat in front of a computer all day.. and emailed each other during slow times. I have a million emails between us. Which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I came a crossed an email that reminded me of right…
Insomnia
Ugh. Insomnia. We have been enemies friends for six very long years. I have tried sleeping pills. I have tried everything natural. I’ve tried having a normal routine. I’ve tried to not let myself lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for longer than 30 minutes before I get up and read, take a hot shower, attempt something to help me sleep. …
Selfish
I’ve been meaning to write this blog.. but I have been processing it. A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date (gasps). During the course of dinner, the topic of how my husband died came up. My date started talking about how selfish suicide is and how I live in the past by “celebrating” my husband’s death every year. I sat…
Facing my Fear
I suffer from fear. A lot of it I think is normal for what I’ve been through. Fear of being alone for the rest of my days. Fear of having my heart broken. Fear of falling in love and having him die. Fear that something terrible will happen to someone I love and I’ll have to start this grief process all over again. Fear that I am getting…
Crap….I’m sick of Death
I’m sick of death. I’m sick of the 27th of every month. On July 27th, I passed the three year anniversary of my husband’s death. That same day a friend I have known since Jr. High passed away. August 27th (The 37th month of my husband’s death) my childhood best friend became widowed.. without warning.. at the age of 30. This…
Stay, Jump or Live
Last week I wrote about how much my husband is missing out on (I wrote about it here). The thoughts of all the things he is missing out on has been weighing heavily on my mind. I started thinking about how I am missing out on life because of grief, depression, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, financially.. the list goes on. I decided to…