Today, I’m writing to you from Sydney, Australia, where I’m in town visiting my in-laws for an early Christmas celebration. I’m one of those lucky widows who has wonderful, supportive parents-in-law. Our already healthy relationship only grew stronger after Dan died, as we found comfort, strength and support in each other. Sydney has always held…
Widowed by Suicide
Facing my Second Christmas Without Him
A friend called me yesterday to talk about plans for New Years Eve. She had previously mentioned the idea of renting a house at the beach and getting a few people together for a fun night in. While I had been quite keen to join them when we first spoke about it, I found myself feeling more and more reluctant as the conversation went on. For…
500 Days of Missing
As of today, my husband has been dead for 500 days. That just sounds so utterly ridiculous to me. 500 days. It might as well be an eternity. During those first few weeks, each day felt like a marathon. It was the greatest challenge to make it through every. single. day. I’d lay in bed at night with a heart heavy and a broken spirit,…
Taking the Rings Off
I passed another milestone this week, something I’ve been approaching and thinking about for a few months but have only now felt ready for – I took my wedding rings off. Well, to be more accurate, I moved them from my ring finger. I had my wedding band re-sized and it now sits on my middle finger alongside Dan’s wedding ring and a small…
Living with the Hole
A young widow in my on-line support group, who lost her husband to depression very recently, said something this week that really got me thinking. She had one of those moments that happen in the early days where you kind of forget your partner has gone – she picked up her phone to text him about something and then it hit her hard, she could never…
Wish You Were Here, Uncle Dan
My usually quiet, peaceful and tidy sanctuary of a home has been turned in to a messy playground for two boisterous little boys this weekend… and I’ver never been happier to have my orderly life turned up-side-down. You see, Dan’s sister is visiting from interstate with her husband and two young boys, aged two and four, and it’s just been…
What People Think
A family friend recently asked my sister how I was doing, and then seemed surprised when she replied that I’m still very sad a lot of the time and cry often. It got me thinking, if I don’t regularly remind the world that I’m missing Dan and still grieving him, will they assume I’ve ‘finished’ or was past that ‘phase’? In the months after his death…
Giving Counseling Another Go
This week I tried counselling again. I am a strong advocate of therapy – not just giving it a go but, if it doesn’t feel right, trying another psychologist and another until you’ve found the right fit. I’ve had mixed success in the past but recently I decided to practice what I preach and try again. I’m so glad I did. One year, three…
Checking Out
I have known for a while I suffer from widow brain. Can’t find my keys, barely remember what day it is or what my name is. I have looked for my car keys for twenty minutes only to find they were in my hand.. the whole time. I have to set reminders in my phone from things like taking my sleeping pill to grab my lunch out of the fridge before…
A Dangerous Indulgence
I’ve been really missing my husband this week. I miss him every week, of course, but this week his absence has been palpable. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a bit of time helping a friend who has a new born baby, which is a sensitive issue for me. Maybe it’s because yesterday marked the 15-month anniversary.
When Friends Aren’t in your Corner
Someone asked me recently besides missing him, what is the hardest part about Dan’s death. There are so many ways I could have responded to this and, realistically, the answer probably changes depending on the kind of day I’m having. It’s hard not having that person in your corner, your partner, that first one you’d always call to share happy…
Not Standing Still
Last night I reached another ‘first’ in my widow journey. I met some new people without doing that thing where you somehow find a way to announce that you’re widowed. It was a dinner party at a Greek restaurant with a close friend, her fiancé and three other couples (so yes, I was the only ‘single’). That’s six strangers, who…