I have known for a while I suffer from widow brain. Can’t find my keys, barely remember what day it is or what my name is. I have looked for my car keys for twenty minutes only to find they were in my hand.. the whole time. I have to set reminders in my phone from things like taking my sleeping pill to grab my lunch out of the fridge before…
Widowed by Suicide
A Dangerous Indulgence
I’ve been really missing my husband this week. I miss him every week, of course, but this week his absence has been palpable. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a bit of time helping a friend who has a new born baby, which is a sensitive issue for me. Maybe it’s because yesterday marked the 15-month anniversary.
When Friends Aren’t in your Corner
Someone asked me recently besides missing him, what is the hardest part about Dan’s death. There are so many ways I could have responded to this and, realistically, the answer probably changes depending on the kind of day I’m having. It’s hard not having that person in your corner, your partner, that first one you’d always call to share happy…
Not Standing Still
Last night I reached another ‘first’ in my widow journey. I met some new people without doing that thing where you somehow find a way to announce that you’re widowed. It was a dinner party at a Greek restaurant with a close friend, her fiancé and three other couples (so yes, I was the only ‘single’). That’s six strangers, who…
My Little Seedling of Hope
The weather is warming up here in sunny Queensland, Australia, with Spring in full swing and Summer just around the corner. Last weekend I popped over to visit my sister and her family, who live a few streets away, and they’d just enjoyed their very first swim in their brand new backyard pool. The sun was getting ready to set, casting its…
His Widow and His Wife
I was invited to a wedding this week, one of my husband Dan’s good friends is marrying his long-time love. They live in a different state and I only got to meet them a couple of times while Dan was alive, at our engagement party and our wedding. Since his funeral I’ve also caught up with them at a fundraising event we held on his birthday, in March…
Waiting for the Crash
So last week I put it out there that I’d been feeling happy and ‘doing ok’. I seriously didn’t realise how scary that would feel, as if I was tempting the universe. As the weekend came and went, I found myself full of anticipation and it took a while to work out what I was waiting for. Then I realised, I was waiting for the crash. I know…
The Little Light of Mine
The sun shone a little brighter for me this week. The grass looked a little greener; my steps were a little lighter; the sounds of my nephews playing was a little sweeter and my smile was a little easier. Finally, after what has felt like a really long low, my grief appears to be lifting and easing again. I haven’t felt this good for months. I had…
Not Like Any Other Normal Day
While my husband was taking his last breath, I was at home re-potting these plants. Totally oblivious that my world – as I knew it – was about to end. The shower drain in my bathroom really needs to be cleaned out, yet the thought of doing it causes the blood in my body to rush to my toes and leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe. You see,…
My Own Worst Enemy
I feel like I’ve been in a rut for more than a month now, since Dan’s first anniversary. I’ve had days here and there where I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it, but in general, the pain has been very deep and the ache for him, overwhelming. The grief has been so relentless that it’s started messing with my head and making me…
Widows Do the Darndest Things
This week I found myself participating in some very strange widow behavior, searching google earth for images of my husband when he was still alive. It started last week when I was using the program to check an address and noticed there is a sliding time line in Google Earth where you can go back weeks/months/years and see satellite images from…
Taking time out
Self-care can be taking the time to enjoy the light and scent of a beautiful candleThis week I started out wanting to write about how difficult it’s been facing the onslaught of traditional and social media commentary on Robin Williams’ death, from the point of view of a suicide widow. I wanted to talk about how it felt to read the ignorant,…