Like the rest of the world, I awoke to the news this week that the tragic crash of the Germanwings flight 9252 was due to a deliberate act of the co-pilot, and my heart sunk. My immediate thoughts were for the families of everyone on board – there would be so many questions, so much pain. All these beautiful, innocent lives lost in a…
Widowed by Suicide
The D Word
Over the past couple of months I have been very quietly thinking about that terrifying concept of dating again. The feeling that I might like to dip my toe back in the dating pool started creeping in around late January, at my 18-month mark, and completely took me by surprise. After Dan’s death, the thought of finding another partner filled…
Doing it for Myself
As far as the ‘ups and downs’ of grief go, it’s been a pretty tough week. It started with what would have been Dan’s 36th birthday on Monday (the second since he’s been gone). Despite coming up with a plan for the day and preparing as much as I could for the inevitable roller-coaster, the rug was well and truly pulled from underneath me. I…
A Little Bit of Happy and a Little Bit of Sad.
This coming Monday would have been my husband’s 36th birthday. Instead, it will be the second that I had to mark without him. All week I’ve felt the weight of my grief with such intensity. The disbelief that he’s gone. The whys, the if onlys and the its not fairs. He died in…
The Eternal Challenge of the Suicide Widow
Last night, after a tough week, a friend and I treated ourselves to a night out at a local comedy festival to have a few laughs and blow off some steam. We had tickets to see an up-and-coming Australian comedian who has acted in a couple of popular local TV shows and I was really looking forward to seeing her live. It was great… until she…
An Invisible Audience
I’m feeling very flat tonight. It’s been a long day. My office was closed due to bad weather and while, at first, I was excited at the thought of spending a day at home with no agenda, it has dragged and the quiet stillness has started to seep in under my skin. It’s a strange feeling to go to bed at night realising you haven’t spoken a single…
My Forever Valentine
I’ve been back home, in Brisbane, Australia, for a couple of days now. As it seems to go with most vacations, it’s so good to go away and then it’s so good to get home. Getting off the plane after the 13-hour flight from LA and walking in to the arms of my wonderful parents, who came to town to collect me from the airport, was a good feeling.
Traveling My New Path
As I write this, I’m sitting in a plane, flying from Los Angeles to New York. I’m back in the USA for Camp Widow East next weekend and decided to make a holiday off it, fulfilling a life-long dream of visiting the Big Apple. This is my second trip to the states and again I find it very emotional to be here without Dan, as it reminds me of all…
Disconnected by Pain
Last weekend, both my sister and my best friend were out of town on (separate) family holidays when my grief decided it might be a good time to roll on up and knock me around for a bit. Knowing I was in for a quiet weekend, I had set myself a few tasks around the house and planned to lay low, catch up on laundry and housework, do some cooking for…
Saudade…the Love that Remains
The absence of my husband has been a very physical sensation over the past few days. It’s as if my body is aware on a cellular level that his isn’t here any more. I’ve been longing to be near him.I’m not talking about sex, it’s that so-hard-to-describe feeling that would come over me when I was in his presence. Like a mixture of safety, calm,…
The Next Chapter
Well so far, 2015 is not going as planned, as I came down with a yucky head cold on New Years Day and have spent the past few days in bed, wishing Dan were here to fuss over me.I had such grand plans of spending the last few days of my Summer holiday enjoying time with my family and friends, hitting the gym to start shaking the couple of kilos that…
Those Who Don’t Know Grief
As I write this we’re full swing into the holidays and I’ve survived Christmas Day, Boxing Day and am about to head to my parent’s house for a large lunch celebration with 20 or so members of extended family. I’m absolutely exhausted, but hanging in there. I’ve heard many widowed people say that the second year can be harder than the first,…