I remember crying silent but painful tears in the back seat of someone’s car… we were running an errand for the memorial service and barely above a whisper, I asked, “What if I forget…” they too began to weep with me. Finally, they cleared their throat to answer, “You’ll always have your memories.” I find that statement less than accurate.
Widowed and Healing
I Miss Touch
I have decided to carry on Michele’s theme of “What I Miss” on Sunday. Because for the past week or so one fact has been glaring me in the face ….. and all over me: I miss being physically touched.Note that I did not say I miss being sexually touched (not that I don’t) but those are two very different things. I live in a house with two teenage…
The Death Anniversary
There are lots of fun observations to be made about the picture above…let’s not go there 😉 What I love about this picture is that it reminds me of a great day on a great vacation with a great friend. I think I’ve said before that I sometimes have to remind myself of all the good things and make a list. It’s always a long list of good things, and…
What I Have Forgotten
My journey as a widow began four years ago today. Four years seems like both an eternity, and an instant. Standing at the foot of his emergency room bed that day, watching his pulse rate drop to zero, I saw the road ahead of me very clearly. Alone. That was the word that my brain screamed. Alone. At first I didn’t want to touch his things, for…
My Big Fish
I had seen this movie before Michael’s passing. After everything happened I had a yearning to see this film again, and it was afterward that I knew why. There are so many scenes that I can relate so closely with. The scene below is one that reminds me of sitting in the car after the service. We sat in it right afterward to listen to the bagpipe…
Dancing Lessions
I have always felt like a flunky on the dance floor. At my college roommate’s wedding an elderly man (he was probably the age I am now) asked me to dance. I politely said that I did not know how to dance but he insisted that it was simple and all that I needed was to follow his lead. Ignoring my protests, he grabbed me, leaving me little choice.
Our Mountain
I remember when I was able to trust with everything in me. Trust God. Have faith. I knew I was blessed… Our lives were difficult, yes, but it was good. When the rug was pulled from under me I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever reach that place again. The place where faith was second nature and trusting was never a question. David and I used to…
Stay by you, when it don’t come easy.
During Daniel’s last few months and during the peak of his illness, he told me that a song he’d heard made him think of me, and of us, and the crap we were going through. At the time, the song made me cry and think of all of the ways we supported each other and how scary it all was. Now, the song makes me think of him, it still makes me cry, and it…
My Love of Headstones
I used to be afraid of cemeteries. Well, not exactly afraid, but I thought they were creepy. Walking around a place that held lots of dead bodies made me nervous. I would step gingerly around the headstones, being careful not to tread anywhere I thought a person might be laid to rest, and wondering how far out I needed to step to avoid the entire…
There Are No Words
There have been many times since Phil’s death that words have escaped me. When asked how I was in the early days my answer was often a dumbfounded stare. What words could be used to describe the pain that was ripping through my body at that moment? A client of mine once asked, “Do you just miss him like crazy?” I was so relieved to be asked a…
The Road Less Traveled.
I had no clue what to blog about today. I’ve been processing many things the past few weeks… but no idea how to begin expressing any of it in words. This quote was read to me this morning… (thanks, WSM!) and I believe it helped me sum up my findings: “All of life is a journey. Which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look…
Counting the Months
When Jim and I were PK (pre-kids) we used to laugh at parents who gave their children’s ages in weeks or months. Jim thought it was ridiculous that a person would say “8 weeks” instead of 2 1/2 months …. or better yet …. why not just round it down or up to 2 or 3 months. And then …. there were the parents who’d say a child was 20 months. We’d…