It took 3 years to do it. 3 years to put up the Christmas tree. The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy. I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.After he died, the season and everything it meant died…
Widowed and Healing
not all bad
When we think of being widowed, we most often think of the sadness, the loss and the loneliness created in the wake of our loss. We reflect on what once was. We imagine and recreate what could have been ‘if only’. We long to be transported back in time to when life seemed sweeter and kinder. Rarely do we think of the blessings we have gained. The…
Comfortable
It happened. I’d become comfortable. I’d accepted the fact that I must survive…thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse. Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News…
crushing
I have a crush. A sweet, secret, hang-out-with-our-kids-at-the-park, crush.When I see him, my heart does its best impersonation of a two year old having a spastic temper tantrum. I worry when I’m in his vicinity, that I act too eager. Talk too fast. Stare too intently into his kind, blue eyes. Fear that I may spontaneously transform into a giggly…
I Seem to Be Falling Apart ….
… but this time …. I’m falling apart physically more than emotionally. At least for now. I’m not sure which is worse. I’m just hoping that, this time, I can cope with a physical problem without having the waves of grief crash in on me.I’ve had to deal with a lot of crap since Jim died …. crap that my body has experienced because of, in my…
Vive la Vida
There was a time when the idea of “living my life” was an oxymoron. How could I take the advice to live my life when a huge section had been torn out and I was staring in disbelief at the gaping hole left behind? Why make life plans when they can be swept away permanently by a suburban going 50 MPH one summer evening at 5 o’clock? If life is…
Wild Crazy Lonely Shame
I’m lonely. For several weeks I have been breathing in loneliness and exhaling it too. It soaks me in its wet, heavy haziness. Every time I look anywhere, there is a couple, together, sharing a joke, a small gentle familiar kiss, a rest of a familiar hand on the small of a back, the lack of space between themand all I can do was sigh. When will…
time after time
I keep returning here to write something. To let you all know that things are okay and that life goes on and we are happy. They are, it does and often we are. But I am feeling the weight lately of a realization. One I should have had two years and eight months ago. This is FOREVER.Not solely being without Jeff. But taking the garbage out by myself.
I’ll Never Make It That Far
I remember talking to Michele about 4 and a half years ago about a widow she had met. The woman in question had been a widow for 5 years and she was in a MUCH different place than we were (we were at about 6 months). I very distinctly remember saying I couldn’t imagine surviving this horrible life for 5 years. I remember thinking in my head that…
Search
“What do I do now?” “Where do I go?” “How do I live?” These are just a few of the many questions so many of us ask after the loss of our counterpart…our soul mate.These questions helped fill my overactive brain from focusing on the reality that I needed to stop living in a nightmare and do it…venture into the wild and find the answers for…
unfinished.
in a drawer. in a bag. some yarn. a notebook.on one page: “chunky baby sweater” on another: “cable knit baby hat” in her handwriting. those words followed by a bunch of numbers that must have meant something to her. eyes scanning the pages, finding different numbers at the top of one page: 11/7/07. at the top of another page: 12/(something)/07. a…
Contradictions
Over the past month or so I have introduced Michael as my husband in a variety of circles. The responses to the word “husband” have been fascinating to me. When we are out with a group of friends or new acquaintances, the response is enthusiastic and congratulatory. These folks are just happy to see love in action. When in the company of people…