I’ll never forget the night I got the news…. Charlie had cancer.The dog that has been my best friend through life’s most painful tribulations. The dog that greeted me at our patio every day back from college. The dog that has never run out of love to give with his kisses and a simple tail wag. The dog that is the son to Michael and I. The dog…
Widowed and Healing
Because I Knew You …..
….. I have been changed. “For Good”. This is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicals. Yesterday, for the first time in over three years ….. I could hear it, and sing with it, without crying. Not just tears-trickling-crying, but great, huge, gut-wrenching sobs-crying. For. The. First. Time. I have been changed. For good? Yes,…
Shades of Blue
Blue has never been my color. I prefer to wear shades of grey, black or tan, although they are usually offset by my blue jeans. Blue has never been a color that I use in decorating my home, as it doesn’t do much for me.So, why then, have I chosen to wear these blue “shades” all the time? I have nothing against the color mind you. Actually, I used…
I Smile
I must say, with each passing year it’s as if another layer of sludge is washed away from my life….The life that began the day Michael was killed. I life I used to loathe to the core of my being. But for once, I’ve been watching, I’ve been learning. I’ve been trying to understand that which I don’t, and yet, with no answers I smile with the…
lurking tragedy
Since the death of Jeff, I am ALWAYS searching for reason or explanation for each occurrence that unfolds in my life. I have become adept at looking for, and most often finding, the “bright side”. Searching out the blessings. The gifts that, however difficult to see initially, reveal themselves as the shock of trauma wears away.I have found that…
three days.
out a window. through the branches. a tea room. a restaurant. third street. a short walk from my former home. our former home.for the last three days i’ve stared out that window. through those branches. at all of the places we used to visit. the circumstances that led me to this place, still unbelievable (when i allow myself to think about them).
Am I Turning My Husband …..
Am I turning my husband….. …. into a saint? After really sitting down to think about it and to honestly delve into the recesses of my mind (which was an exhausting trip, by the way) …. I think I can honestly say …… no.I know, as do we all, that we tend to remember more of the good times after someone dies. I also know, that many people…
The Occasional Landmine
So I did a little beginning of the new year organizing: cleaning out old files, sending things to Goodwill. I opened a box I apparently hadn’t opened since it had been packed in 2007. The box contained some of Daniel’s books, all of the condolence cards I received after the funeral, and his LiveStrong notebook. The books were mostly financial in…
Here We Go
It’s here. My fourth year of not being able to refer to my love alive. But as somber as it sounds, it’s also my fourth year of being living proof of just what the power and strength of love can get you through.I’ve never set resolutions and hopes for each year, other than just trying to find more good days than bad in the months ahead….even if…
flying solo
I am finding this new responsibility of being thrust into the world of solitary decision making terrifying…But I am doing it and it’s okay. I would prefer to bounce all these thoughts, necessary choices and responsibilities off to Jeff, but I can’t. So as I forge ahead with my life alone, I am finding these mountains that I am climbing difficult;…
Just Call Me ….
Just call me……… Sybil. I very often feel like I have a split personality. I have passed the three year mark. I find these words difficult to absorb even as I type them. Hell, I never expected to live out the first year. And then I knew I wouldn’t survive the second. I often thought that it was a shame that I couldn’t just “think myself” to…
All I Can Be Is Who I Am
Pallas was assigned this book in school. I would read sections of it to her. The first time I read the section below out loud, I could not finish it. I was sobbing as Pallas watched me curiously. Mau had put into words the way I feel about being a widow. I hope you will read the entire quote, for nothing I have read has fully encompassed what…