we headed to the pasadena to have dinner with chandra and derek, who were in town from the bay area. decided on a sushi restaurant. it’s an extremely loud place, but madeline was comfortable, quietly surveying the room. i think she remembered the place. i was there with liz (madeline inside), last november, to celebrate a night of feeling okay…
Widowed and Healing
Missing me …..
For the past few weeks I’ve been aware of something: I miss me. Yes, I miss Jim …. still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me. The “before Janine”.I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly). I liked that she…
Survival
So whether we wanted to or not, it appears that we have survived another date night holiday! Welcome to the other side people – only 363 more days until Valentine’s Day! 😉 This was number 5 for me as a widow. Easier by far, but still – melancholy. Valentine’s Day was my first date with my husband. He was a dashing 16 year old boy who came to my…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…
Happy Ending?
Someone recently asked me if I thought my current relationship would have a happy ending. I’m sure that person just meant to ask if I pictured being with this man from now on, but I was a bit stunned by that question and just said, “I hope so.” As soon as those words came out I instantly thought, “Of course not”.Does that sound horrible? I don’t…
Every Choice
It’s a song day. I’ve loved this song for years, and it has applied to so many different times in my life when I’ve been faced with making a choice. Since becoming a widow, the idea of choice has been a constant theme in my life. At first just choosing to get out of bed was a conscious decision. As time has passed, it has become a choice to live my…
Saying Yes
As a parent, I have often found saying NO to be easier than saying YES. Over the years I have made a conscious effort to consider the questions my kids ask me before I blurt out a negative response. Many times I realize that the reason I say NO is that I don’t want to take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the request. I will confess that…
Ezra Update
Ezra came back to me again, expressing his lack of desire to live. I called Our House where the kids and I receive grief support. I spoke with Lauren who is in charge of children’s support. She said I need to get Ezra help…. immediately.She said it’s great that he trusts me enough to express his feeling. She said it’s good that I have provided…
Our Fairy Tale
I try not to think too much on all the things we would have done, family we would have built and life together we would have lived. I try not to imagine it too much, for there is a pain associated with the what-ifs and that which we were unable to fulfill as the soul mates we are. We lived our fairy tale. Our own Disney movie.Like a knight on a…
It’s Not the Same ….
My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007. Nothing is the same. Nothing. I am not the same. I will never be the same. And I’m finally OK with that (I’m not so sure that everyone else is).My children are not the same. And I’m OK with that, too. I don’t have to like it, but I’m OK with it. My home doesn’t feel the same.
Music Was Our Refuge
The epitaph on Chris’s grave marker says, “Music Was My Refuge.” It is a most appropriate way to remember a man who was a church choir director, a pianist and an organist, a community theater actor, a Norwegian Folk dancer, and a longtime patron of the opera and symphony. In the months after Chris died, I started planning a concert in his…
Then and Now
I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I’ve come. It’s been over a year since I’ve looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive…