This picture was taken in 2006 by me…you can see me in the reflection. The headstone is mine, it sits right next to Daniel’s on a hill in Ellinger Texas. It’s in the cemetery next to the church we were married in. I’m sure my family and friends thought I was nuts when I ordered two headstones for our double plot. What did I need a headstone for?…
Widowed and Healing
Father’s Day, Independence Day
So I was gonna try and ignore Father’s Day. It’s Father’s Day and my kids don’t have one. I was gonna just treat it like every other Sunday only….Well last time I tried to run from one of the “big” days, like his anniversary death date, like his birthday, like random days when his loss seems to be around every corner, I get slammed,…
Our Office
The past few weeks have been good. I’ve been getting our AWP offices ready and love all that that consists of. I’m in love with the space. I’m in love with the area. And I’m in love with the feelings and emotions that have come from making this step in life.I feel, more than ever, back in touch with me. The me Michael loves. The me I love. Memories…
one more, just like us.
i met another one. this time, holding a baby just a few days past a month old. she was pregnant when her husband died.she was left in the place that so many of us have found ourselves. but i didn’t know that. not yet. … she smiled when we met, i smiled back, talking to her baby. then she told me. … i should be able to hide my…
There is a Huge Difference …..
…. between a battle and a war. Huge. But unfortunately, when you’re in a war …. there are many, many battles to fight. I am not sure what your beliefs are ….. I don’t think our differing beliefs will matter as I write this. At least I hope they won’t. I write to speak out …. to share my guts with you. All of you. And we all “get IT”…
I’m Failing
I’m failing. No, not with mourning and recovery. That, my psychologist reassures me, I’m doing quite well with. In fact, he tells me that I’m doing extraordinarily well – best he’s seen. (Read the next word in your best dripping sarcasm voice:) Yaaaay! I’m failing at getting back into life.I’m just stuck and I don’t know how to get…
The Cannonization of Art
This post was prompted by two comments. One by a widow who confessed to me that her husband beat her. She said that she felt so alone because all these widow’s husband’s seemed so perfect and hers was far from it. Two. My oldest son’s conversation with me about his dad. When I asked him what he remembered about a certain situation, he only…
a choice
I spend a lot of time loathing what has “become” of my life. Ruminating over the “before” and “after”. Taking stock of the injustice of losing my beloved so early in my life. Wishing life now was different.But when I imagine having a life that was so dramatically different and without the pain of Jeff’s death and all the repercussions from his…
Have I Told you Lately
Tonight’s just a night that I want to share how grateful I am for the eternal gift that keeps on giving. The one that allows me to be more than my loss and suffering and the ability to rise above and fulfill all my hopes and dreams. The gift that quietly nudges me out of the dark into a bright future. The gift that answers my heart’s questions and…
after.
it’s pure joy to see maddy with her auntie (liz’s sister), the two of them, as close as they would have been if… well, you know. …sometimes it’s the after that defines things, and after everything that’s happened, i’m happy that this she is such a big part of our after.
A.D. – Marking Time After Daniel
I’ve always found it fascinating that much of the world – Christian and non-Christian alike – mark time in a way that acknowledges the existence of Christ. We are currently in the Year of Our Lord (Anno Domini) 2011. Using this same sort of starting point, I have marked the time A.D. (after Daniel) and am currently in the year 6 on this…
Empty Handed
It’s been a rough week. I’ve been an emotional mess, and have felt more vulnerable than I have in months. I don’t really know what brought it on either. I kept looking at the calendar, trying to find some reason, or meaning, behind all the tears I have been shedding this week, but just came up empty handed. Perhaps that’s just it, I feel empty…