Its sixteen months into this new life and like all others on this journey I’ve taken many steps forward and many steps back. A couple of months ago making the decision that I would prepare myself to put John’s clothes away. I decided to give myself a timeline of two months to do this. During this two month timeline there were days that I felt…
Miscellaneous
Times Gone By
I’m enjoying my last few months in Kona working at the restaurant. It is situated just a few feet from the water; the view is stupendous. The people are friendly and fun – this includes the staff and the customers. So it’s really not a bad place to be in any regard. I often find myself gazing out over the ocean and the other quaint buildings in…
The Path Less Traveled
I am a rebel. I always have been. I do my homework and get good grades but then I sneak out to go to the party. You know? In other words, I’ve always done what was generally expected of me, but then I also tend to kind of run away and do what I want later. I went to college but did not go to law school like everyone else I knew. I did not get a…
Devolve
I’m a mess lately. Around the start of this past holiday season, I began regressing to a point where I am again a cynical, grumpy, and in general, angry person. It has nothing to do with Sarah, Shelby, work, or even the holidays, really. It truly does have everything to do with the fact that Megan is no longer here. It’s not her death,…
Wanting Love
I feel like I feel too much and think too much when really I shouldn’t overthink the concept at all. Just flow with life and the new beginnings it may bring. Enjoy it for all that it is and could be. Instead though, I feel guilty and scared. Scared that if I allow myself to love again, that love will be taken away. Guilty that I have thoughts of…
Needing the Deads’ Voice
Just two weeks ago, I wrote of a friend that was, at the time, fighting for her life in the ICU, hoping for a lung transplant. She was on death’s door, and no one could guess if she would make it another week, waiting for a donor. I am happy to say, that, as of yesterday, she received her transplant. A call came in late in the night on…
The Journey of a Life
There are days that make you look at the places you are arriving more than the ones you are leaving behind. Mike and I spent most of the afternoon yesterday out hiking. It was the first warm, sunny day we’ve had in ages in Ohio… and it put me in an especially grateful mood just to be existing and feeling the sunshine. We went to a big…
Another Runner Up?
I derive a lot of inspiration reading the other writers here at Widow’s Voice. They are all strong, beautiful people with individual stories of tragedy and living this life. I feel honored to be listed on the same page as they are. Reading Michelle’s post this week, Runner Up, made me stop and think. I don’t write much about my boyfriend here. A…
Poking the Bear
When you are a widow or widower, and you’re dating, It truthfully doesn’t matter how “good” you think things are going. There will always be some aspect of your new relationship that becomes amplified quite simply BECAUSE you are a widow/er. It may be a perceived slight in comparison to how your pror person treated a situation, or it may…
Permanent Markers
After Mike died, the story of his stuff was an ongoing issue for a long time. His elder daughter and I cleared his closet a couple of months out because I had to make room for things being moved upstairs in preparation for renting out the downstairs. Then later that year, both girls spent several days with me dividing and clearing most of what was…
Appreciating a Disease’s Lessons
The other day I received a text message from a friend of mine, who happens to have Cystic Fibrosis herself. This friend was there for Megan and I when Megan was going through her 6 month decline, and I can’t describe enough how she (and her husband) went above and beyond for us. They would visit at the drop of a hat, when I just needed an…
A Choiceless Event
I was sitting on the couch at my parents’ house in Virginia this week thinking about Mike. Just wondering how things would be different for me now were he still alive. Imagining him sitting next to me, trying to recapture the feeling of being in the presence of his energy. So much changes for us in widowhood. Surely the hardest is losing that…