Okay. So I’m probably going to alienate some people or piss some people off with this post today, but you know what? The reason I’m writing it in the first place is because I feel alienated every single day, by the very same people who will be angry or upset by this post. Besides, my intention is not to upset anyone. My intention is, as always, to…
The Missing of You
Something strange has been happening lately. Perhaps for about the past month or so, this odd thing has been inside me. It is the missing of you – which, of course, has always been there since that day you died and I died too – but this is different. This is different than it just being there as a part of me. This missing of you is a force. It is…
Choices
Dear Readers, I am warning you ahead of time; this post is going to be a huge, scrambled, all over the place, chaotic, messy, unfocused clusterf**k of nothing. Or something. I don’t even know. But when you’re done reading it, and you say to yourself: What the hell was THAT? – Well, I told ya so. Last week, I wrote in here from the lobby of the…
Rebirth on my Birthday
It is 12:40 a.m. east coast time, on Friday, September 26th, and I am writing this blog piece from the Marriott hotel in downtown Toronto, Canada. I am here for Camp Widow, getting set to give my comedy presentation for the 5th time in a row. Sitting in the lobby where the Wi-fi is free on my laptop, exhausted after an almost 12 hour train ride…
Seasons
The change in the air from humid to crisp, warm to slightly cool – puts a loud ringing bell on your death – as I ready myself for my birthday, then your birthday, Halloween, our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, our proposal anniversary, Christmas, and then ringing in another new year without you. This time of year filled with holidays and family…
The 9-11 Effect
There is something I have noticed in relation to both 9-11 and Don’s death. I refer to it as “the 9-11 Effect.” Remember right after 9-11, how NYC and America, became a totally different place, and people changed overnight from bitter, hurried grumps who didn’t have a second to spare to patriotic, beautiful, generous, patient souls? Remember how in…
The Joan Effect
I am crying tonight, because Joan Rivers has died.I did not know her. I have never met her. She was not my friend. But something, many things actually, about her, resonated with me – and so I felt this unspoken kinship with her. Female. Comedian. Widow. Those are all me. Those are all Joan. As a woman, I identified with and respected like hell her…
Time Piece
I never forget that I’m a widow. I never forget that my husband is dead forever. I never forget my reality. But … There are times. Moments. Feelings. There is being with my family, staying at my parent’s house, like this weekend, and getting lost inside of something that is beyond my widowhood – something that sees far past my life without my…
Robin Williams and The Door
As heartbroken as I am about the death of Robin Williams, I am not entirely shocked. Not entirely. I recall about 4 or 5 months ago maybe, seeing him as a guest on some late night talk show. (cannot remember which one) I remember distinctly thinking to myself that he looked exhausted, withdrawn, and old. Not old in the way that he got gray hair…
Party of One
I go to a lot of places alone. I have never had a problem with spending time alone, even before my husband died. I moved out of small town Massachusetts when I was 18 years old, to NYC, to go to Theatre school and pursue a career in acting and comedy. After having roommates for years on end, I lived by myself for 4 years in an apartment in New…
Boomerang
I feel honored to be a part of this special writer’s club that gets to speak and type my voice on this blog. I really do. I am one of seven voices, and that feels really nice, that people would even be interested in hearing or reading what I have to say. But sometimes, Sometimes I feel as if I am typing into a great big void of nothingness.
Waiting
I think I’m confused. Am I actually doing better? Have I turned a very large corner? Is the worst of this hell actually behind me? Or is there no such thing as that being true? Am I about to set myself up for a ginormous fall? Like I said, I think I’m confused.Last Sunday was the 3 year death anniversary. I wrote about it in here last week. I was…