Tonight, I just wanted to be me.Sometimes, I just want to be me.But, not this version of me. Old me. The me that existed before July 13, 2011. The me that had a sick but random and giddy sense of humor. The me that laughed with abandon, and laughed often. The me that was easygoing and fun and carefree, sarcastic and crazy and youthful. The me…
Catch
The other day, my cat Sammy was lying on the couch, when my other cat Autumn jumped up next to him. She looked at Sammy for a few seconds, and then started to slowly lick him and clean him all over his face and neck. This went on for awhile. Then, she sort of kissed his nose a bit, and slowly sat herself down right next to Sammy, leaning against…
Leaving Me
I took a short nap tonight, which I almost never do, because I SUCK at napping. (I have trouble falling asleep, and then when I do, I want to sleep for hours, and I wake up feeling worse and more tired than before the nap, and then I can never sleep later that night because I napped during the day.) Please, good people of earth, remind me to…
New Years Crash
Ever since that calendar started to read 2015 about 24 hours or so ago, I have been feeling a little bit down. I keep forgetting that New Years Eve and New Years Day make me incredibly sad. I don’t know why I keep forgetting this, but I do. Each year since my husband’s death, the sadness surrounding New Years always seems to come out of nowhere and…
Snowglobe
I did it. I survived, and sometimes even thrived, Christmas day. It is now Christmas night, and I sit here in my parents dining room on my laptop writing this blog. I am staying with them for 10 days over the holiday, in Massachusetts, away from my usual NYC apartment and life. I love being here. I love my family. However … and there is ALWAYS a…
This Day, That Tree, Marry Me
Thursday, December 18th, today, is the 9 year anniversary of the day that Don proposed marriage to me underneath the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in NYC. (You are reading this on Friday, but I’m writing it and posting it on Thursday evening, and it is right now, as I write this, my proposal anniversary.) The first Christmas after he died,…
The Ache of Lonely
You know that thing, where, for days and weeks and maybe even longer, you are strolling along in life, thinking and maybe even knowing that Hey, I think I might be doing more than okay right now – and having this odd sort of confidence in knowing that you are emotionally pretty happy for the most part – and then all of a sudden you are lying in…
Silence and Noise
Have you ever taken a few minutes or hours or days, to look completely outside your own life and how your loss affects it, and instead look into the world at large? If you have, like I have, you might find yourself staring into a great, big, never-ending, cavernous hole. Being where I currently am inside this grief tsunami, (3 years and 4…
The Grief Critic
In the 3 years and 4 months so far of this death tsunami I’m living since losing my husband, there is something I have learned about other people. Sometimes they suck. A lot. When it comes to living with the death of your partner or spouse, I have found that there are two kinds of people I deal with: the supporter, and the critic. Technically,…
Crazy Cat Lady
My husband was a huge animal lover, and even more cool, animals absolutely loved him. They flocked to him. We would go over to other people’s houses or just walk to a nearby park, and other people’s pets would run up to him and want to play. If we went to anyone’s home who had a dog, he was instantly playing with the dog. He always wanted a dog of…
Let It In
I am not sure where it came from. I am not sure why. I am not sure what actions or non-actions or grief-work or thoughts led to this way that I feel today. This week. This moment. This now. I am not sure of anything, but it happened. I am back to loving Christmas. Monday morning of this week, after 3 years and almost 4 months of living with the…
50 Reasons that I Love Don Shepherd
On October 27, 2006, I married my forever soul-mate. On July 13, 2011, he died. It was sudden and out of nowhere, and now, 3 years later, I still struggle to understand why I have to live without him, and why he doesn’t get to live. Today is November 6, 2014. Today, Don Shepherd would have been 50 years old. But instead, he will be forever 46.